The Road Not Taken

Top Fifty - I Wanna Be Your Lover

2011-08-17T22:08:00.004-04:00

Mere words cannot describe how much I love Prince Rogers Nelson. I have adored that little purple bastard since the late 70s. I saw him in concert in the 80s and I just about had a coronary embolism when he drove out on stage in the flyest purple pimp mobile you have ever seen. He is a 4 foot nothing musical giant who can fill an entire arena with just his presence and assless chaps. I've never found him terribly attractive but I can definitely see the appeal. I've always said that I don't want to fuck him but I'd love to watch him fuck someone else.

It was very difficult to choose one song per artist for my Top Fifty. However, "I Wanna Be Your Lover" is absolutely my favorite Prince track, hands down. Sure I love at least two hundred Prince songs, but this is the one I immediately start dancing to every time I hear the beginning notes. If you can listen to this and not move at least one part of your body, you have no soul, man.

For all the respect I have for him, I do understand that Prince is a polarizing figure. He sometimes makes it easy to forget about his music when he's pulling stunts like writing the word "slave" on his face or changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol. As a testament of my love for Prince, I briefly changed my name to a symbol back in the 90s:

As an extra bonus, please enjoy Charlie Murphy's story about playing basketball with Prince (as played by Dave Chappelle). "Game - blouses."

Top Fifty - Brass in Pocket

2011-08-14T21:39:00.006-04:00

Apparently Chrissie Hynde doesn't like this song, but goddamnit I do.

According to the always reliable Wikipedia, "Brass in Pocket" by The Pretenders was the seventh video played during MTV's launch on August 1, 1981. God help me, I remember watching the same fucking 20 videos over and over again during the early months of MTV. I would rather slit my own throat with a rusty box cutter than watch Pat Benatar in that damned black and white striped shirt ever again, but somehow I never got sick of watching Chrissie pretend to be the world's worst waitress. I won't even mention watching her pretend to be the world's worst femme.

My 12 year old mind never quite figured out what the hell Detroit leaning, side step or the new skank was, but I didn't care. It sounded cool and grown up and ballsy, all the things I was not at that awkward age. Thirty years later I'm still not 100% on what they are, but at least I am now the coolest mother funker on the planet and can pretend I know what they mean.

Just for kicks, here is the glorious Scarlett Johannson singing the song in a scene from "Lost in Translation".

Chrissie rocks me sideways.

Top Fifty - Helter Skelter

2011-02-23T20:39:00.013-05:00

As I sit here listening to the current crop of American Idol wannabes violently ass rape the entire Beatles catalog, it has occurred to me to pay tribute to my very favorite Fab Four song, Helter Skelter.

According to the almighty Songfacts, Paul McCartney wanted to write the "loudest, nastiest, sweatiest rock number we could" after reading a Pete Townshend interview describing a Who track (possibly "I Can See For Miles") as "The most raucous rock 'n' roll, the dirtiest thing they'd ever done." This was the result.

The song is named after a slide at a British amusement park. The first line is a joke about this: "When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide, where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride."

For the album version, recorded September 9, 1968, 21 takes of approximately 5 minutes each were recorded, and the last one is featured on the official LP. Poor Ringo's hands hurt so badly from all the drumming, he famously yelled out at the end of the last take, "I've got blisters on my fingers!"

I love all versions of Beatles - from happy, poppy Beatles to psychedelic sitar Beatles, but nothing gets me going more than the dirty lowdown Beatles that growled and riffed through Helter Skelter.

Top Fifty - I Wanna Be Sedated

2011-02-02T21:57:00.004-05:00

I love me some Ramones. They can do no wrong in my book. They would come in, rock your face off in two minutes with three chords, and get right the fuck out before you knew what hit you. I totally wanted to be PJ Soles because she got to hang out with the guys in "Rock 'n' Roll High School".

The boys had so many great songs, including "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker" and "Blitzkrieg Bop". However, "I Wanna Be Sedated" has always been my favorite. The "ba ba ba" in the chorus gets me up and jumping around every time I hear it.

Top Fifty - Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

2011-01-30T17:11:00.010-05:00

I've already talked of my love for Marvin Aday aka Bob "Bitch Tits" Paulson aka Eddie here, but I am of the mindset that there is no such thing as too much Meat Loaf. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, yo.

Who would have thought that such a soggy looking summamabitch could sing such a beautifully heart wrenching song about love gone awry? That brother is sweatier than Patrick Ewing during double overtime.

I want you, goddamnit. I need you, you rat bastard. But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, mother fucker.

Top Fifty - Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)

2011-01-22T20:13:00.005-05:00

We will now take a journey back to the late 60s, when Kenny Rogers was a member of the country folk band The First Edition but before he was the booze soaked, plastic surgery addicted Rotisserie King we all know and love. As always, when choosing my Top Fifty Favorite Songs, I opted for one song per artist. I have always worshiped Kenny, so this was an extremely difficult task. When he gets it right he can tell amazing stories ("Lucille", "Coward of the County", "The Gambler"). However, I will admit that when he gets it wrong, he sucks big hairy donkey balls ("Islands in the Mother Fucking Stream").

I've always liked "Just Dropped In" but its inclusion in the almighty "The Big Lebowski" officially sealed the deal. Now when I hear the song I have the urge to put on a ratty bathrobe, drink a Caucasian and go bowling. The Dude abides.

The original acid trip version:

The Lebowski acid trip version:

Top Fifty - Try a Little Tenderness

2011-01-11T21:22:00.008-05:00

I would like to direct your attention to the section titled "My Top Fifty Favorite Songs" on the left column of your screen. Go ahead, read it. I'll wait until you've finished. *tapping fingers impatiently* Ok, so you should now be caught up to speed. Let's begin, children.

For my first selection, I'm going to go with a little Otis Redding. Ah, Otis. That man's voice is good for the soul, I tell you. Tragically, he was taken from us too soon, but he left behind some spectacular music. One of my self-imposed rules of the Top Fifty was that each artist could only be represented once. Therefore, I had to choose from many of my favorite Otis songs, such as "I've Been Loving You Too Long", "Hard to Handle", "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" and "Respect". I picked "Try a Little Tenderness" because it goes from a slow, soulful beginning to an all out, hand clapping, foot stomping ending. As they say here in south Georgia, where Otis was born and where I now live, that brother took it to church. Sit back and enjoy Otis at his best:

Being a woman of a certain age, I would be remiss if I did not bring up one of the song's most memorable cinematic appearances. How could you not love Jon Cryer as Duckie in "Pretty in Pink", lip syncing, dancing and air humping like nobody's damn business?

I absolutely adore the Paul Giamatti and Andre Braugher version from the steaming pile of elephant dung known as the movie "Duets". I love Giamatti long time, baby. He rocks me sideways.

You can find the Songfacts for the song here and the Artistfacts for Otis here. There you have it, folks. I think we're off to a beautiful start.

Jump for Joy in June: Part 30

2010-06-30T22:36:00.002-04:00

Praise God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff! I officially made a blog effort every day(ish) for one solid month! Celebrate good times, y'all...come on!

Jump for Joy in June: Part 29

2010-06-30T22:35:00.001-04:00

Goodfellas Peanuts

Jump for Joy in June: Part 28

2010-06-29T23:43:00.001-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 27

2010-06-29T02:00:00.004-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 26

2010-06-27T17:46:00.002-04:00

Girl's night out, baby! I'm the red faced fool sitting on the bottom right.

Jump for Joy in June: Part 25

2010-06-27T08:47:00.001-04:00

I live in the Watermelon Capital of the World, y'all. Yes, I'm living the dream.

Jump for Joy in June: Part 24

2010-06-25T11:05:00.002-04:00

It's been one year since Michael's death.

Jump for Joy in June: Part 23

2010-06-25T09:09:00.000-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 22

2010-06-22T21:27:00.005-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 21

2010-06-21T21:37:00.003-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 20

2010-06-20T22:41:00.003-04:00

I had the pleasure of seeing Coti Collins perform as Reba McEntire and Judy Garland over the weekend. Beyond amazing!

Jump for Joy in June: Part 19

2010-06-19T21:35:00.002-04:00

Elegance is learned, my friends.

Jump for Joy in June: Part 18

2010-06-18T11:39:00.002-04:00

I didn't have a breakdown, I had a breakthrough.

Jump for Joy in June: Part 17

2010-06-17T09:06:00.004-04:00

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom talking before bedtime. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "We are becoming men. I think it’s about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." "Good idea," says the 4 year old enthusiastically.

The next morning, the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. He replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

"I don’t know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!"

Jump for Joy in June: Part 16

2010-06-16T04:38:00.000-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 15

2010-06-14T23:16:00.001-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 14

2010-06-14T11:28:00.002-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 13

2010-06-14T11:13:00.004-04:00

Dickipedia - A wiki of dicks

Some dick examples:

M. Night Shyamalan (born Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan, August 6, 1970), is a pretty good film director, an okay film writer, an awful film actor, and a dick.
“Night” (a nickname that he dickishly gave to himself) burst on the American film scene with 1999’s The Sixth Sense, a movie with a contemporary supernatural story, set in Philadelphia, driven by a lead character experiencing a loss of faith, and climaxing with a twist ending. He then burst on the dick scene by recycling that exact same formula over and over again until audiences finally caught on years later. Somewhere along the line, he also decided that his convoluted plots don’t have to make sense or hold up to outside logic.

Ann Hart Coulter (born December 8, 1961) is an American conservative pundit, a syndicated columnist, a best-selling author, a frequent television and radio guest, a self-described “polemicist,” and a self-promoting dick. Best known for purveying hate, Coulter revels in the mass loathing she herself inspires, a delight so aberrational as to invite speculation that she may in fact be an alien life form. That, actually, would explain a lot.

Influenza, commonly referred to as the flu, is an infectious disease caused by RNA viruses, a deadly public health risk, and a dick.
The most common symptoms of the disease are chills, fever, sore throat, muscle pains, severe headache, coughing, complaining, whining, sneezing, and small panic attacks in your mom even though she lives in a different state and you're now an adult who is totally capable of taking care of themselves.

While influenza causes the death of hundreds of thousands of people each season, its most notable dick characteristic is that it makes you use up all of your sick days for the whole year, even the ones you were saving to sneak off during March Madness.

Cruelly, the flu targets weak and defenseless individuals, such as the elderly, helping to cement its villainous dick reputation. Many of influenza's sinister qualities, however, are slightly lessened when one considers that this global nightmare can be defeated merely by washing your hands and getting enough fluids.

The scientific term "influenza"—like pizza, organized crime, and Long Island—originated in Italy. It is derived from the Italian word "influenza," which means: "to drink a lot of ginger ale."

Jump for Joy in June: Part 12

2010-06-14T10:50:00.002-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 11

2010-06-12T13:41:00.002-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 10

2010-06-10T20:41:00.004-04:00

From The Oatmeal

Jump for Joy in June: Part 9

2010-06-09T21:29:00.000-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 8

2010-06-08T21:21:00.005-04:00

I love me some Tiny Mr. T.

Jump for Joy in June: Part 7

2010-06-08T21:05:00.002-04:00

Here's to my ass getting fatter! Thanks a pantload, Ben & Jerry! Woot!

Jump for Joy in June: Part 6

2010-06-06T13:02:00.003-04:00

Happy birthday to my darling Paul Giamatti. Dear Lord, do I love this man.

Jump for Joy in June: Part 5

2010-06-05T18:08:00.003-04:00

Moustache Fonts

Jump for Joy in June: Part 4

2010-06-04T16:20:00.001-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 3

2010-06-04T12:04:00.001-04:00

Jump for Joy in June: Part 2

2010-06-03T10:59:00.003-04:00

When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

My favorite quote:

"A bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer let an erection."

Jump for Joy in June: Part 1

2010-06-01T14:41:00.005-04:00

I place so much pressure on myself to blog on the regular that I inevitably let the stress of coming up with grammatically correct amusing anecdotes take over and I stop blogging altogether. Thusly, I've decided to take another approach. I'm simply going to share with you, my invisible internet friends, one thing a day that makes me happy. Enjoy!

A trifecta of joy - Chris Daughtry and Kelly Clarkson singing Tracy Chapman. Wrap that shit up in bacon and I'd marry it.

sigh

2010-05-25T10:31:00.002-04:00

March Madness Parts 14- 31

2010-03-31T15:01:00.002-04:00

So what have I been doing whilst ignoring my massive fan base for the past few weeks?

1] Had a birthday. Suck my wrinkled old ass, Father Time.

2] Turned in my application for fall graduation. This means that in December, at the tender age of 41, I will finally have my BBA in Management. 23 years for a 4 year degree...cripes.

3] I was eating chips yesterday and one fell down my shirt. I plucked it out of my bra and kept on eating. So there's that.

Look out April! Here I come!

March Madness Part 8 - 13

2010-03-10T07:21:00.005-05:00

Well, I suck ass, don't I? In my pitiful defense, I've been on spring break from my book learnin', so I haven't been on the computer as much as I normally am. So give me a friggin' break, would ya? Here are some "neener kittehs"...enjoy!

March Madness Part 7

2010-03-07T20:27:00.002-05:00

March Madness Part 6

2010-03-06T22:34:00.002-05:00

I have been cursed with terribly dry skin which gets worse in the colder months. Mr. Peaches was kind enough to call me "Ashy Kari" today as an homage to the hilariously funny Dave Chappelle skit about the World Series of Dice. It still makes me laugh just as hard now as it did when it first came out.

Konichiwa, bitches.

World series of Dice

March Madness Part 5

2010-03-05T23:46:00.007-05:00

March Madness Part 4

2010-03-04T22:18:00.005-05:00

We took Ally to her very first soccer practice today. She had such a blast. I was so proud that she didn't trip over her feet and fall on her precious little ass. Apparently the clumsy gene skips a generation. I feel bad for my future grandkids. Here's the little snaggle tooth doing her best Captain Morgan pose.

As I was basking in the glow of watching the fruit of my loins have the time of her life running up and down the field, it occurred to me that I am now a soccer mom. Cripes. On the plus side, it will give me a legitimate reason to wear this spectacular t shirt.

March Madness Part 3

2010-03-03T21:29:00.003-05:00

We had a student driven campus clean up today at work called "Green Day". I was so proud of everyone who participated. They were so into it that I damned near got a bit teary eyed from their enthusiasm. The whole environmentally conscious thing reminded me of this bit of hilarity featuring none other than the inventor of the interwebz, Al Gore.

March Madness Part 2

2010-03-02T22:16:00.007-05:00

Tuesday is RuPaul day in the Peach household. I am completely obsessed with RuPaul's Drag Race. I mean, we've got gorgeous drag queens, fabulous costumes, hilarious challenges, my gay boyfriend Santino from Project Runway fame, and of course, the hostess with the mostest herself.

Oh, to be such an Amazonian goddess.

My favorite queen this season is Pandora Boxx, who is portraying Carol Channing in this "Snatch Game" challenge. Raspberries!

Speaking of obsessed, here is my official drag queen makeover, courtesy of The Dragulator. I put the fierce in fierce bitch, n'est ce pas?

March Madness Part 1

2010-03-01T22:50:00.004-05:00

I've been ridonkulously busy and all up in my own biznass, thus the lack of bloggage. I've felt guilty and lazy about it so I've decided to post something every day for the month of March.

Of course, now that I've made this epic announcement to my grazillions of adoring readers, I have nothing interesting to say. So please go read Conan O'Brien's new Twitter account. He's much more entertaining than I am. Plus, his beard is much more attractive than mine.

Girl's Day Out

2010-01-18T20:16:00.001-05:00

Hello, my thousands of readers. Happy New Year and such. I've been busier than a whore on nickel night, but I swear I've missed you all.

Today my sweet little Peachlette and I had a girl's day culminating in a mani/pedi. It was her first and she was so freaking adorable about the whole process. I'm such a dork I took pictures.

Precious, n'est ce pas? Never in a million years did I think I'd have a girly girl and do girly girl things like getting mani/pedis. Yet somehow it feels exactly right.

I wish I had some other fascinating news, but that's about it. Live long and prosper, y'all.

Jack Bauer Interrogates Santa Claus

2009-12-21T09:45:00.000-05:00

Good Advice From Spongebob

2009-12-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

Apparently the Recession is Over

2009-12-11T08:46:00.004-05:00

At least it must be according to Burger King.

15 sugars for one cup of coffee? I understand that according to the Official Lesbian Weight Scale, I am more of a Rosie O'Donnell than a Portia de Rossi, but damn, do I really look like I need 15 sugars? Jesus effing Christ. Way to piss away your supply costs, creepy King dude.

4 8 15 16 23 42

2009-12-05T19:51:00.002-05:00

I just found out that I got a D in one of my classes and will have to take it again next semester. I was about to put my head in the oven and turn on the gas when I remembered Lost will return in February for its last season. I shall postpone the melodramatic offing of myself until mid-May.

Doin' it for December - Part 1

2009-12-01T17:07:00.003-05:00

Just kidding. I don't have the testicular fortitude to blog every day in December. But I do promise to pop in more often than I did pre-November.

Anyhoo, I just had to share this precious note the lovely Peachlette stuck in my purse. The date is 11/19/09 which shows you how often I clean out my damned purse.

Not for Nothing November - Part 30

2009-11-30T21:58:00.003-05:00

It is the last day of November and the last day of my self-imposed sentence to blog daily. Sure, I fudged a bit with some double posting to make up for a couple missing days, but you got 30 solid blogs out of me. Suck it if you don't like it.

So what have we learned about Kari aka Tenacious Peaches?

1] I cuss too fucking much.
2] I love the shit out of Shannon.
3] I am one tractor pull away from getting my official laminated redneck membership card.
3] I always go for the cheap joke.
4] I whip out my cans way more than necessary.

Fascinating creature, ain't I? Thanks for coming along for the ride, people. Love you...mean it!

Not for Nothing November - Part 29

2009-11-29T21:31:00.003-05:00

I've suddenly become a target for Asian porn spammers so I've finally caved in and activiated the word verification thingy. I blame Bev and her blog about Dr. Duk Dong. I think reading that put me on some sort of watch list. I can only imagine what reading about Lady Gaga will bring me.

Not for Nothing November - Part 28

2009-11-29T00:03:00.002-05:00

So I'm watching Spongebob mother loving Squarepants with the Peachlette today when I see a scene where the absorbent and yellow and porous fellow tells his driving instructor, "See you next Tuesday!" Being the vulgarian I am, I got the reference right away. However, at a football party I attended this evening, I shared the story and no one got it. Am I alone in knowing what this phrase stands for? Help me out, people. Do I have to spell it out for you? Fine, here it is.

C (See)
U (You)
N ext
T uesday

Not for Nothing November - Part 27

2009-11-27T22:41:00.001-05:00

The day after Thanksgiving means it's time to whip out my favorite alternative/mostly inappropriate Christmas songs. Enjoy!

Not for Nothing November - Part 26

2009-11-26T21:21:00.002-05:00

HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY

STEP 1: Go buy a turkey
STEP 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
STEP 3: Put turkey in oven
STEP 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
STEP 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
STEP 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
STEP 7: Turn oven on
STEP 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
STEP 9: Turk the bastey
STEP 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
STEP 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
STEP 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
STEP 13: Bake the whiskey for hours
STEP 14: Test the lurkey for numbness
STEP 15: Take the oven out of the lurkey
STEP 16: Floor the lurkey up off of the pick
STEP 17: Turk the carvey
STEP 18: Get yourself nuther scottle of botch
STEP 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
STEP 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Not for Nothing November - Part 25

2009-11-25T22:43:00.004-05:00

This should catch me up with daily blogs. Less than a week to go in November. Will I make it?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T:

10. "Reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
3. "It's cool whip time!"
2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

... and the number one thing that sounds dirty at thanksgiving but
isn't.....

1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

Not for Nothing November - Part 24

2009-11-25T21:49:00.002-05:00

I've mentioned this before but I'll remind you again as it has to do with this story. I was born and raised in Connecticut and after a slight 3 year detour in Florida, I have lived in Georgia for the past 18 years. My family train was firmly parked in Dysfunction Junction yet I have very distinct traditional memories of Thanksgiving. We always had our odd assortment of relatives (step and otherwise) over to the house for a turkey dinner with all the trimmings. My mom and I would have an official ceremony to name the turkey every year before we stuck it in the oven. I remember such names as Penelope, Frankenfurter and Zsa Zsa. Real Norman Rockwell type shit.

Now I love my in-laws and consider them to be more a family to me than my own. However, we don't see eye to eye on the Thanksgiving process. More often than not, they don't serve turkey.

No turkey on Thanksgiving? That's by God un-American. They also have random side dishes that I certainly did not grow up with. The oddest of the odd is pear salad. I apologize in advance if this is something you eat but that shiz is nasty, yo. This culinary delight consists of half of a canned pear filled with mayonnaise and topped with shredded cheese and a cherry. What the frikkity frak felch? It's like someone tripped in the kitchen and said, "What the hell...we'll just go with it."

I couldn't bear the thought of a turkey-less Thanksgiving this year, so I made my own for the three of us. Sure, we'll be eating the bird for the next 5 weeks, but that's okay. It made me happy to hold on to one of the few good memories I have of my childhood.

It is my pleasure to introduce the Turkey of the Peach Family 2009 - Bessie Higgenbottom.

Enjoy your day, people.

Not for Nothing November - Part 23

2009-11-25T21:28:00.004-05:00

I heart Graph Jam!

For Shannon

For Samsmama

For Bev

For Stuart

For me

For everyone

Not for Nothing November - Part 22

2009-11-24T21:51:00.004-05:00

Daughtry performed at the AMAs Sunday and I was once again paralyzed with love for that bald bastard. I've been in deep smit with him for years, as evidenced by my first public declaration seen here.

I mean, really...how can you resist this? He is truly the other white meat.

My group of peeps went to see Daughtry a couple of years ago. I was there with the besainted Mr. Peaches on our anniversary weekend. That alone tells you what a marvelous man he is. Anyhoo, Daughtry rocked our collective faces off and I "woo-ed" like no other fat old woman in the history of fat old women. As we were leaving the venue, we realized we were right by the tour buses. To this day, I don't know if I really saw him or just imagined it, but in the moment I swear I saw my beloved bald Daughtry board one of the buses. This is when I decided to whip out my then 38 year old cans and shake them in public. Why, I have no idea, but I was very proud of myself for having done so.

This story was brought to you by the letter "T" for tatas, tomatoes, and titties.

Not for Nothing November - Part 21

2009-11-22T20:57:00.003-05:00

Demotivational posters never get old to me.

Not for Nothing November - Part 20

2009-11-21T23:10:00.003-05:00

Warning: There is nothing funny or clever about this post. If you are looking for the usual tasteless yet sometimes humorous vulgarity featured on this blog, come back another day. We's about to get sentimental up in this piece.

This is for the sweet Peachlette, my beautiful daughter Ally, in honor of her 6th birthday. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have that tiny little person in my life. I had no idea how much I needed her until she got here and I am thankful every single day for the miracle that she brought to my life. *sob*

Not for Nothing November - Part 19

2009-11-21T23:01:00.002-05:00

This blogging every day shit is getting to me. It's hard to find the time every day, hence the multiple blogs in one day.

I was watching The Silence of the Lambs for the trillionth time today and I was again astounded by how much I love it, especially the scenes with my man Buffalo Bill. Here are some random parodies and such.

Not for Nothing November - Part 18

2009-11-18T21:30:00.002-05:00

I hate trains. I live in a teeny tiny south Georgia town with a ridiculous amount of train traffic. The tracks basically cut the town in two with only 1 overpass and the piss poor alternative of getting on the interstate for less than a mile to go over the irritating iron horse.

And of course, being the transplanted redneck I am, I live by the train tracks and the overpass. I hear the goddamned train whistle all the freak-frakking live long day. Most of the time I can tune it out, but when I am aware of it, I am ridonkulously aware of it.

This is the only train that makes me happy:

Not for Nothing November - Part 17

2009-11-18T21:08:00.004-05:00

Praise God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff, Neil Patrick Harris is tweeting!

My love for NPH is legen...wait for it...dary!

Not for Nothing November - Part 16

2009-11-17T22:54:00.004-05:00

I was a bit sad yesterday so I didn't blog. Forgive me, please.

In order to combat the sadness, I would like to share something I love with you people...my tall nerd crushes. Enjoy!

Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory

Matthew Gray Gubler as Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds

Hamish Linklater as Matthew Kimble from The New Adventures of Old Christine

Jerry Trainor as Spencer Shay from iCarly

My ultimate tall nerd crush, Conan mother loving O'Brien

Not for Nothing November - Part 15

2009-11-15T21:48:00.003-05:00

We held Ally's 6th birthday party at Chuck E. mother loving Cheese today. I shall let this picture speak for me.

Not for Nothing November - Part 14

2009-11-14T21:48:00.005-05:00

I'm watching The Wizard of Oz and having the time of my life. This is the greatest movie of all time and I love it so much it hurts.

I totally believe that Dark Side of the Moon syncs up with Oz and I don't even get high.

For you know who.

Gotta love Family Guy.

Shout out to The Wiz!

Click here to see the Diva Off clip from my new favorite show of all time Glee, featuring Kurt and Rachel. The song is Defying Gravity, from the Broadway musical Wicked, which is based on The Wizard of Oz. It's all circular, man.

I would be remiss if I did not share with you a picture of my sweet Ally dressed as Dorothy for Halloween last year.

Not for Nothing November - Part 13

2009-11-14T00:08:00.001-05:00

For Shannon...

Tenacious Peaches
is betrunken and sleepy.
Nighty night, bitches!

Not for Nothing November - Part 12

2009-11-12T21:31:00.001-05:00

My child has lost her freaking mind. I swear she stumbled upon a meth lab on the way to recess. She is zooming through the house like Speedy effing Gonzalez.

Here she is showing me the contraband Now & Later she snuck into her room at bedtime. I don't know how she got it past me. I think she called in Jack Bauer and CTU for a rogue candy smuggling operation. Damn it, Chloe.

And here is the Tasmanian Devil jumping on her bed. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the three wisemen, the sheep, the gold, the frankincense, the myrhh, and the star of Bethlehem.

She's lucky she's cute or I would have put her in a basket and left her at an orphanage a long time ago.

Not for Nothing November - Part 11

2009-11-11T20:48:00.003-05:00

I love me some Jeopardy. I've watched it with Alex Trebek as host since the 80s. He's still not the same without the Canadian porn 'stache.

I have tried out for the show twice, to no avail. That shit be hard, yo. However, I'm determined to keep trying until I make it. I haven't tried out since Ally was born, so I've got to get it together and, in the words of my silver fox Tim Gunn, make it work. I need to make this happen before La Trebek retires, which should be soon considering he has to be in his early hundreds.

I'm so obsessed that my ring tone is the final Jeopardy theme. A student stole my cell phone out of my office about a year ago, so I keep my new phone in my bra to prevent future thievery. Every so often I forget to turn my phone to vibrate and my boob will ring out, "Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo, doo doo doo doo, doo, doo...bum bum."

Obviously, any talk of Jeopardy would be incomplete without without mentioning the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits featuring Will Ferrell as Trebek and Darryl Hammond as Sean Connery. A special shout out goes to Norm MacDonald as Burt Reynolds aka Turd Ferguson.

Here's an awesome soundboard

via videosift.com

Alex Trebek: Let's go to "Members of Simon and Garfunkel" for $200. "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel." [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?

Bjork: Sometimes when I'm putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?

Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?

Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?

Alex Trebek: "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel".

Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]

Not for Nothing November - Part 10

2009-11-10T22:46:00.001-05:00

It's Tenacious Tuesday, y'all!

10 Commandments of the D
1. Never stop Rocking.
2. Legalize all drugs.
3. Quit your day job.
4. All Religion should be taxed.
5. Cut down on carbohydrates.
6. Fuck her gently.
7. Never believe what people tell you after a show.
8. Always take a spoon full of Metamucil after a heavy day of eating.
9. Get at least 9 hours of sleep a day.
10. Eatin' ain't cheatin'.

Not for Nothing November - Part 9

2009-11-09T21:34:00.002-05:00

The lovely and delightful Bev wanted her devoted readers to show their office spaces. Since I have a huge girl crush on her, I've decided to comply with her wishes. I am very easily manipulated.

Here is my work 'puter. Note the blog, people.

Artwork by the southern Picasso, Ally. I don't think you can see it too clearly, but there is a picture of her in a tiny little University of Georgia Bulldog cheerleader outfit. I don't want her to grow up to be an acutal beer pong playing, crystal meth snorting skank UGA cheerleader, but she's cute enough right now that I'll allow the fantasy.

Sidebar - Here's one of my favorite UGA jokes:

Q: What do Georgia and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls.

Moving on, here is more art by the miniature Monet, a picture of Mr. Peaches and the Peachlette, and a thank you card from one of our sweet students. I love most of them.

Yes, I am one of those mothers who have pictures of their rugrats all over the place. Go frig yourself if you don't like it. This is my area of motherly statues and a cutout of Ally in her ballet outfit. Notice that amongst the nurturing environment is the plant that I am systematically trying to drain the life from.

Sidebar - Here's one of my favorite jokes addressing my terrible grammatical habit of ending sentences with prepositions:

A Southern belle finds herself sitting next to two New England yankees on an airplane. The belle turns to the yankees and asks, “So, where y'all from?”

The yankees look at each other and turn up their noses. One of them says, “We're from a place where we don’t end sentences with prepositions.”

Without missing a beat, the belle replies, “So, where y'all from, bitches?”

Not for Nothing November - Part 8

2009-11-08T21:30:00.003-05:00

Yes, I'm still sticking with my "post every day in November" self-imposed sentence. The Rerun post from earlier is technically my Saturday post. I was unable to blog yesterday because I was at the Big Pig Jig.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Big Pig Jig.

I'll let that soak in a minute.

The Big Pig Jig is a yearly barbeque competition and festival held in Vienna Georgia. The Big Pig Jig is now one of America's largest cooking themed festivals.

Fast Facts About The Big Pig Jig:

*Over 120 cooking teams are expected to compete for top honors.

*Competition rules state that barbeque is defined as pork meat only that is prepared on wood and/or a charcoal fire.

*Over 25,000 festivalgoers are expected to take in the two-day event this year.

*Cash prizes are awarded to the winners and prizes awarded in the past have totalled over $15,000.

The Jig really is a big deal around these parts. It's been featured on the Food Network as part of the show Good Eats with Alton Brown.

One of my favorite things about the Jig is the yearly themes. This year it was "Pigieval Times". Other themes have been "Hogaritaville" and my beloved "The Wizard of Hogs".

I'd like to point out a couple of things before I regale you with my favorite Pig Jig story.

First, it is held in Vienna, GA. 99% of people on God's green earth would call the town Veeenna, as in the capital of Austria. However, the lovely citizens of south Georgia refer to the town as Vyenna, as in I don't know how to pronounce words correctly. Of course these are the same people who call the town of Milan, Millin, as in "chillin' like a villian taking penicillin in Milan". Jesus Christ on a cracker.

Second, the thriving metropolis of Vienna boasts one traffic light. I grew up in Connecticut until the age of 19, lived in Florida for three years, and then moved to Georgia. Not just anywhere in Georgia, mind you. Vienna, Georgia. I was driving home after work late one night and to my utter amazement, a goat wandered into the intersection. I swear the bastard paused for dramatic effect under the one traffic light in town just to freak me out. That shit doesn't happen in Connecticut. Martha Stewart simply would not stand for it.

Okay, it is now time for my Big Pig Jig story.

The delightful Mr. Peaches and I were married on October 14, 1995. My two bffs, Julie and Betsy, flew down from Connecticut to be my bridesmaids. We did not plan this as part of the nuptial celebrations, but the wedding just so happened to fall on the same weekend as the Big Pig Jig. Being the good hosts we are, we took the wedding party to the Jig to show Julie and Betsy how the rednecks lived.

People, we had the betrunken time of our lives.

There is really not much to actually do at the Jig unless you are part of a cooking team. One would think it would be a smorgasbord of porcine taste testing, but it's not. It's a competition, so all the teams are cooking for the judges, not for the general public. It's great if you know a team, because they will feed you much pork and beer. My darling friend Tara and her husband Jeff were kind enough to shower me with delicious ribs yesterday. 'Tis manna from heaven, I tell you.

Anyhoo, back to the redneck bachelor/bachelorette party. There were three girls and three guys in our crowd, wandering around trying to see what we could get into. My friends were flabbergasted that you had to purchase beer tickets at one booth, then go to another booth to get the beer. They were even more flabbergasted that one had the option of buying a 12 pack of beer (Bud or Bud Lite - anything else is goddamned un-American) and walk around with it.

So we proceed to see the limited sites of the Jig. Back then, they had a mini carnival set up with rides. Personally, I refuse to get on those fly by night rides. Have you seen the people that set the rides up? Mother fucker, if I can't trust you to brush the 3 remaining teeth you have in your head, I damned sure ain't gonna trust you to put together a 3 ton mechanism that could potentially be my final resting place. Hell to the naw.

The guys in our group, including the besainted Mr. Peaches, didn't care about such logistics, so they got on the Tilt-a-Whirl. This ride has cars that turn independently whilst the ride is also turning. The girls, including my betrunken ass, thought it would be funny to flash the guys as they were spinning around toward us. Of course it never occurred to us that as we were flashing them, we were also flashing everybody at the Jig.

To this day, I still have the urge to lift my shirt up whenever I go to the Jig. Good times.

Why do most of my stories end up with me whipping out my cans?

Not for Nothing November - Part 7

2009-11-08T12:45:00.002-05:00

Dance, mother lovers, dance!

Not for Nothing November - Part 6

2009-11-06T23:37:00.001-05:00

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'd sleep but I'm too goddamned tired. The Sandman can kiss my exhausted non-sleeping ass crack. Here's some sleepy stuff for you.

Lily von Schtupp singing my theme song:

Not for Nothing November - Part 5

2009-11-05T21:24:00.002-05:00

God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff had best let me have my goddamned bacon and light bread for breakfast before he calls me home or else I am gonna be one cranky beeyotch. Don't make me throw some 'bows up in heaven.

Not for Nothing November - Part 4

2009-11-04T21:14:00.003-05:00

On the advice of someone near and dear to my heart, I've started watching "The Big Bang Theory". I must say that it is rocking my nerdly world. I dig me a dork. Enjoy!

Not for Nothing November - Part 3

2009-11-03T22:48:00.002-05:00

I sing.

I sing whenever the mood strikes me, at the top of my lungs, making the ears of those around me bleed. I know I suck, but I still want to be heard, damn it.

I have been known to pick up any object around me and sing into it like I am on stage at the Apollo. It doesn't matter what it is, although I have an affinity for singing into beer bottles. A quick glance at the pictures of me posted by friends on Facebook confirms my madness.

Criminy, I don't know if those pictures make me proud or embarrassed.

Anyhoo, I am laying the groundwork so I can tell you that my all time favorite sing-into-my-beer-bottle song is "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad", featuring the vocal stylings of Mr. Marvin Aday, aka Meat Loaf.

Songs just don't get better than this, people. It is so achingly sad that you can almost hear Meat's voice start to break from the sheer emotional power of it all. I just cannot resist its melancholy cheesetasticness.

A year or two ago, after listening to me belt out the song for probably the thousandth time, my dear friend Kelly informed me that she'd never really paid attention to the lyrics. After the shock wore off and I was brought back to consciousness with smelling salts, I proceeded to perform the first of many heartfelt renditions of "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".

This dramatization came to be known as "The Spoken Loaf".

I start out quietly, allowing the story of the two lovers unfold. I speak into whatever is closest to me, clutching my hand to heart. I throw in the occasional cuss word or three for emphasis, such as "there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, mother fucker". I really come into my own right after the drum break following the classic line, "But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box." I go from speaking to singing, letting all the hurt and despair flow from my body with broken notes and wild gesticulations. I end the spectacle on a gentle note, with my voice cracking and the back of my hand on my forehead, whispering, "Baby we can talk all night, but that ain't getting us nowhere."

I'm too distraught to go on. Enjoy the Loaf, y'all.

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't gettin us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears

And all I can do
Is keep on telling you
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Cause)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

You'll never find no gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coup de Ville
Hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box

I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got

There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away

And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Don't)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere

Not for Nothing November - Part 2

2009-11-02T22:30:00.007-05:00

It's Monday, so why wouldn't I be a cranky, hateful bitch? I was trying to get my stank ass attitude on earlier when my besainted husband told me my favorite corny joke to cheer me up. And I'll be damned if it didn't work because now I am full of sunshine and light once again.

In keeping with that spirit, here are some "walks into a bar" jokes. I'll start out with the one that made me BOLLADS (bark out loud like a dying seal) earlier.
______________________________________________________

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper asks, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"

______________________________________________________

Three strings walk into a bar and find a table. The first string offers to get their drinks. He goes to the bar and asks for three beers. The bartender says, "I'm sorry buddy, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what happened.

"That's ridiculous," says the second string. "I'll get us something to drink." He goes to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in this bar." The second string sadly walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.

The third string says, "Screw this. I know how to get us something to drink." He goes to the restroom where he ties himself up and ruffles up his ends. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says, "Look buddy, I know your friends told you that we don't serve strings in this bar. You're a string, aren't you?"

To which the third string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

______________________________________________________

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. He looks around and asks the bartender, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender says, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replies.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."

______________________________________________________

Of course I must mention the ultimate "walks into a bar joke" with no punchline from The Breakfast Club:

A naked blonde walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...

______________________________________________________

Only 28 blogs to go...God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff help us all.

Not for Nothing November - Part 1

2009-11-01T20:34:00.006-05:00

I am such a damned slacker that I only blogged once in the entire month of October. Not that I have anything to say or anyone to say it to, but it still sucks. I was determined to blog all the time and now it has fallen by the wayside along with crocheting and learning Pig Latin. Uck-fay ou-yay if you don't like it.

My heterosexual life partner Shannon is constantly tweaking her blog to reflect her fabulousity. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She has inspired me to make a meaningless pact with myself to blog daily for the entire month of November. Lucky I came up with this on the first of the month, eh? When the hell did I become Canadian?

Anyhoo, I vow to post something new every day for the next 30 days. It may be as little as a picture or video that has amused me or a rambling 3,000 word dissertation on my love of bacon. Bibbity bobbity bacon!

So strap in (or strap one on, depending on your particular proclivity) and get ready for a month of banal self-indulgence, people.

Since Shannon is the one who inspired me, this first one is dedicated to her. Go visit her at Headphones Monkey and say hi. She will school you in the ways of music, monkeys and all things spectacular. I shall profess my love for her in the form of a visual homage.

Rocking You Like a Hurricane

2009-10-10T22:14:00.005-04:00

Thank you Robin for the award!

The rules are as follows:

Answer the survey below...you can only use one word answers!
Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
Alert them that you have given them this award.
Have fun!

Where is your cell phone? - bra
Your hair? - ponytail
Your mother? - living
Your father? - idunno
Your favorite food? - bacon
Your dream last night? - heatwave
Your favorite drink? - Pepsi
Your dream/goal? - rich
What room are you in? - bedroom
Your hobby? - TV
Your fear? - loss
Where do you want to be in six years? - here
Where were you last night? - home
Something that you aren't? - patient
Muffins? - banananut
Wish list item? - kindle
Where did you grow up? - Connecticut
Last thing you did? - scratched
What are you wearing? - pelt
Your TV? - Sony
Your pets? - none (sob)
Friends? - wonderful
Your life? - wonderful
Your mood? - happy
Missing someone? - yes
Vehicle? - Sable
Something you're not wearing? - loincloth
Your favorite store? - Booksamillion
Your favorite color? - green
When was the last time you laughed? - earlier
Last time you cried? - Thursday
One place that I go to over and over? - work
One person who emails regularly? - Tara
Favorite place to eat? - Mikata's

I'm going to pass this to:

Shannon
Sonja
Samsmama
Bev
Mala
The Peach Tart

Suckling from the Electronic Teat

2009-09-24T21:26:00.009-04:00

I wanted this blog to be a happy and funny place, which is why I haven't posted lately. I've been in a bitch ass mood for the past couple of weeks and I didn't want to pollute the universe with my funk.

So I've decided to focus on something that makes me happy: TV. I don't have the time nor the money to lead the fabulous and glamorous life I deserve. The next best thing is to watch ridonkulous amounts of television. May God/Yaweh/Allah/Hasselhoff bless the inventor of the DVR. It is the greatest piece of technology on the planet as it allows me to record hours of crap to watch when I get a few minutes to watch here and there. Of course half the time I end up falling asleep whilst watching and snort myself awake in the middle of something or other.

I'm at the exciting time of the year when I try to figure out what new shows to watch, what old shit to stop watching, and wrapping up the random summer shows I've been passing time with. This is also when I start longing for Lost and 24 to come back into my life sometime in January or February.

Along with countless hours of Spongebob mother fucking Squarepants, late night infomercials, and my long standing nightly love affair with Conan O'Brien, here is what my weekly DVR schedule looks like:

Sunday
Mad Men
Entourage

Monday
How I Met Your Mother
Gossip Girl
Castle

Tuesday
Hell's Kitchen
So You Think You Can Dance

Wednesday
New Adventures of Old Christine
Glee
Criminal Minds
Top Chef

Thursday
Project Runway
The Office
Fringe
Community
30 Rock
The Mentalist

Friday
The Soup

Saturday
Saturday Night Live

Mother Television has her grasp on me and apparently has no intention of letting me go. Heaven help me.

We Don't Need No Education

2009-08-31T21:46:00.011-04:00

Allow me to tell you, my adoring throng of readers, a bit about myself and why I’ve been conspicuously absent as of late.

Despite my distinct Southern charm, I was actually born and raised in Connecticut. I went to college for a good 17 minutes after high school. I won’t bore you with the Jerry Springer-esque drama behind the scenes. I’ll save that for another post.

Anyhoo, I went about the business of living my life and moving around the country for a few years. I had various jobs waitressing and bartending and working in retail, which suited me for a while. Then I turned 30 and had the most horrific bout of self-loathing you have ever seen in your life. It was then that I dedided I needed to go back to school.

At that time, I was living in my present tiny south Georgia town. The only school around here was a local technical college. I didn't really know what I wanted to do, so I entered into the Computer Information Systems program. As I was earning my associate's degree, an administrative assistant position came open at the school. One of my teachers recommended me and I was hired.

I had never in my life had a "real" job that was Monday - Friday, no weekends, holidays off. I thought I had gone to heaven. After a few years, my boss left and his position came available. I was not qualified on paper for the position since I didn't have a bachelor's degree. However, I was perfectly capable of performing the duties. They rewrote the position to suit my education and I've been doing it for the past 2 1/2 years.

I love my job but I want the title of director and the money that goes with it, so here I am, at the tender age of 40, going back to school once more for my bachelor's in management. I am currently taking 4 online classes, along with working full-time and handling home life with a 5 year old and college football watching husband.

I am one busy mofo.

I am pleased with my decision to go back to school because I'll be the first one in my family to finish college and I can use this opportunity to show my daughter that you can always better yourself, no matter what stage you are in life. (I know, *barf*, right?) However, it leaves me with less time to play on the interwebz with you lovely people.

On the upside, whilst I was getting my learn on, I had my very first rude commenter on my last post about the Def Leppard concert. I am so proud. You ain't someone until someone hates you on the internet.

What has 9 arms and sucks?

2009-08-17T20:39:00.004-04:00

Thanks to Stuart for the hilariously inappropriate joke referenced in the title. The answer, of course, is Def Leppard. Tee hee. We'll get to their suckage in a bit. Let's begin the journey to the spectacularness that was this past Saturday evening, shall we?

Ten of us made the long hard road trip from East Bum Fuck south Georgia to Hotlanta for the concert to end all concerts - Cheap Trick, Poison and Def Leppard.

I've always liked Cheap Trick. Honestly, I couldn't believe that they were not only touring with the other two bands, but were put in the bitch seat to be the freaking opening act. Hell, "Surrender" was an anthem when I was growing up. I think they deserve better than that, but I guess we all have to pay the bills.

I'm not the biggest fan of Poison, but I'd seen them once before and they put on a pretty good show. My friend Tara is absolutely obsessed with Bret Michaels. I've watched all 27 seasons of Rock of Love for her. She is determined that he needs to stop diddling skanks and get with a fat girl. I totally agree. Who else can bang the shit out of you and then make you a plate of good down home cooking? Not a coked out stripper, that's for damned sure. But I digress...

As a woman of a certain age (that would be 40 for those paying attention), I am definitely a product of the 80s. Thusly, I am not ashamed to admit my love for the Lef Deppards. I remember having a jean jacket with a Def Leppard pin on one lapel and a Run DMC pin on the other. (Sidebar: I bought a Run DMC shirt this weekend. I am fucking awesome.) I was totally excited to see them and relive part of my wayward youth.

We got to the Lakewood Amphitheater in Atlanta a little after 7 as Cheap Trick was coming on stage. We heard the first couple of songs as we stood in line to get in. I sang "I Want You to Want Me" at the top of my lungs in the parking lot, embarrassing everyone around me. We finally got in and set up camp on the lawn. Here are Jeff, Tara, me, my husband John, and Kelly.

We got to enjoy the rest of Cheap Trick, despite a drunken redneckian brawl a few feet away from us. Thankfully the melee was cleared in time for me to belt out the craptastic hair ballad "The Flame". That is such a horrible song, but so much fun to sing.

After Cheap Trick's set ended, we sent the menfolk on a beer run. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I understand that the prices are jacked up at events like this, but I still don't see any reason to charge 10 bucks for some flat ass nasty beer. Fuck me.

By this time, the sun had set and it was time for Poison. As I mentioned, I had seen them maybe 10 years ago at a place called Wild Adventures, which is a semi-cheesy amusement park/zoo in Valdosta, GA. This was during the period after their popularity faded but before Rock of Love, so they were in some sort of career limbo. However, those cats put on one hell of a show. They certainly didn't have to, but I respected their commitment to the crowd. You'd have thought they were playing Madison Square Garden, for chrissakes.

I am pleased to report that they still put on one hell of a show. They were balls to the wall and didn't pause for one minute. Bret was all over the stage, talking to the audience and doing everything he could to keep us on our feet. Musically, there are some of their songs I can do without. I mean, Unskinny Bop? I still don't know what the felch that is about. Does an unskinny bop = a fat fuck? Maybe Tara is right and Bret really does need a fat girl. Either way, I very much enjoyed Poison.

I was completely psyched for Def Leppard and screamed like a school girl when they first came on stage. They started out very high energy but started slipping after a couple of songs. The guys in the band were good but my beloved Joe Elliot's voice is shot to shit. It felt like he was barely singing so he could save up for the one big power note in every song. He barely interacted with the crowd, which sucks ass. I was a bit disappointed but still had a good time because I was able to rock my fat old ass off to songs from back in the day.

I definitely had a blast with my wonderfully crazy friends. A good time was had by all.

The girls:

The boys: (Yes, that is my white bread middle aged husband throwing up the gang signs in front. God, I love that bastard.)

And as promised, here I am flashing a little boob. You didn't think I'd actually show you full frontal, did you? :)

Thankful Thursday

2009-08-13T12:50:00.008-04:00

I am thankful for the following:

~ I'm on vacation! Woo hoo! Okay, it's not like a glamorous "blaze a trail and see the world" vacation, but it's time off from work nonetheless. More of a staycation. I generally hate that type of cutesy saying, but it fits the situation. Suck it.

~I'm going to Hotlanta with a rag tag bunch of friends to see Def Leppard, Poison and Cheap Trick on Saturday. Or as I've been calling it, "The Old Geezers Play for the MILF Crowd" tour. I fully intend to whip out my cans at Joe Elliot at some point in the evening. Holla!

~ The precious fruit of my loins started kindergarten a couple of weeks ago. I've been a slobbering, emotional, motherly mess, but she is rocking the shit out of her big girl scholastics. My little sugarfoot is growing up and I am so proud of her. *sob*

Enjoy your day, suckas!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-12T13:24:00.007-04:00

Fish are Jumpin' and the Cotton is High

2009-08-08T10:10:00.005-04:00

It is hot as balls. Big, swinging, hairy, sweaty, fromunda cheese, Dom DeLuise balls.

Here is a summertime in south Georgia haiku to express my feelings:

Damn, I am sweating
Like a whore on nickel night
During a fire sale.

Here is a playlist of hot ass summer songs:

Stay cool, y'all.

Officially Rocking Your Socks Off

2009-08-04T10:09:00.012-04:00

The wonderful and glorious Bev bestowed upon me a very cool blogging award. I am honored to be thought of so highly by such an awesome chick. Since I've been tagged, I am supposed to give props to other bloggerific peeps. Technically, I'm supposed to name 15 blogs, but as I am a known rule breaker and all around bad ass, I'll do as I damned well please. Screw you if you don't like it.

Making a Spectacle ~ The reason I started a blog in the first place is my heterosexual life partner, Shannon. She is a fan of all things Spock, Flight of the Conchords, sock monkeys (!), and most importantly, the dark mistress known as bacon. Mere words cannot describe my love for her. Stop by and say hi. She might even write a haiku in your honor.

List of the Day ~ Being a huge fan of countdowns and lists and such, I somehow stumbled across Cary's LOTD and have been hooked from that first moment. He and his blog amuse me to no end. He's the Pied Piper of the Blogisphere with a loyal following of some of the funniest people I've never met.

Raising Stink ~ I met the delightful Samsmama through LOTD and I've been smitten ever since. I believe it was a can of Tab that brought us together. Who said artificial sweeteners were a bad thing? She makes me laugh until I snort, which is my favorite form of laughter.

Defecata Randomus de Nocturne ~ Stuart at Random Shit of the Night cracks me up. I'm fond of shit, especially random shit, so he is right up my alley. Well, not literally up my alley. His woman Jodi might have my head on a platter for such slanderous accusations.

Mixed Nuts ~ Mala is Bev's bff and graciously invited me to sit at the cool kids' lunch table. I'd love to be the third wheel on one of the gals' Thelma and Louise adventures. Anyone who tries to rub the crap of Gorby's head at a wax museum is the bee's knees in my book. Not that I have a book, mind you.

Project Rungay ~ My absolute favorite reality show of all time is Project Runway. Yes, I watch reality shows. Yes, you can suck it. Anyhoo, Tom and Lorenzo are two gay men in a long term relationship who started out blogging about PR but somehow evolved into the poster boys for all things fabulous in fashion and pop culture.

Cooking for Assholes ~ I cannot begin to tell you how much this blog makes me laugh and learn at the same time. Cooking is just another chore to me, but I am almost inspired to jump in and cook for fun after reading these delicious recipes. And honestly, all the abuse turns me on just a little bit. Eat it™.

Dispatches From the Island ~ If you know me, you know Lost is my favorite show and Hurley is my favorite character. If you don't know me, what the fuck are you doing here? Jorge Garcia is an absolute sweetheart with a boyish sense of humor who takes his position as a celebrity with a grain of salt. He always makes me smile.

1000 Awesome Things ~ Some days the world sucks and everyone in it is a complete and utter douche nozzle. On those days, I like to go to this blog and celebrate the little things that make life worth living. This is one of my favorites.

Crazy Days and Nights ~ This blogger is an entertainment lawyer in El Lay who gives blind items about celebrities. It's fun trying to figure out who he's talking about. The beautiful Shannon turned me on to this one.

To paraphrase Tom and Lorenzo, kittens, I am exhausted. This all I have in me. That's what she said. Sorry, I channeled Michael Scott there for a second.

Go forth and investigate the wonderfulness that these blogs have to offer you. Don't say I never gave you anything.

YouTube-apalooza

2009-07-24T10:20:00.006-04:00

I have received a fancy "I am really fucking awesome" blogger award thingy from the delightful Bev. I am supposed to tag 15 of my favorite bloggers and such. However, this week has been hell on wheels and I haven't carved out the time to do a proper job of honoring those who make me BOLLADS (bark out loud like a dying seal).

So I'm just going to give you a few things that have been stuck in my head lately until I can get a moment to do my homework. Some of these are old and some are new, but all make me laugh. Enjoy!

Margaret Cho always makes me cackle.

Who says romance is dead?

Sweet Jesus, do I love me some Gordon Ramsay.

I love Paget so much. She is one funny broad.

Chickens don't clap.

The Caaa...The Caaa...

My Top Fitty

2009-07-18T21:56:00.006-04:00

My favorite website in the whole wide world of the web is Songfacts. I'm a music freak and I always learn something new from Carl and the gang whenever I check the main site. I am also a (dork alert) moderator on the site's message boards. I joined the boards a week after my daughter was born and I've met some amazingly strange and wonderful people there. (I've committed some sort of faux pas ending that sentence with a "there", haven't I? It doesn't look right but I don't have the strength to suss it out. Oh well, I'm known for my tits and not my sentence structure, so screw it.)

We are a group of voters. There is a weekly top ten in which we nominate 2 songs and vote for our favorite 7. Just kidding, it's ten. I'm trying to see who's paying attention. We also have a Songfactor's Choice and we've just started up a Movie Choice.

A while ago, we all came up with a list of our own top fifty favorite songs and the other members voted on their top ten out of that fifty. My list is so fantastic that I felt the need to unwrap it, take it out of the box, shake off the dust and share it with the non-Songfacts world. Keep in mind these are not necessarily what I think are the greatest songs of all time, but songs that mean something special to me and have played a part in my life at one time or another.

Then again, Rick Astley is represented, so this may very well be a list of the greatest fucking songs in the history of music. Holla!

My Nominations

2 Out of 3 Ain't Bad - Meatloaf
A Change is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke
A Song for You - Donny Hathaway
Ain't Too Proud to Beg - The Temptations
And I Am Telling You - Jennifer Holliday
At Last - Etta James
Boys of Summer - Don Henley
Brass in Pocket - The Pretenders
Burnin' Up - Madonna
Chain of Fools - Aretha Franklin
Cult of Personality - Living Color
Desperado - The Eagles
Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me - Elton John
Dust in the Wind – Kansas
Fallin’ - Alicia Keys
Father Figure – George Michael
Fire - Jimi Hendrix
Happy Together - The Turtles
Helter Skelter – The Beatles
Hush - Kula Shaker
I Wanna Be Your Lover – Prince
I Wanna Be Sedated – The Ramones
I Wish - Stevie Wonder
In My Daughter’s Eyes - Martina McBride
It's Tricky - Run DMC
Just Dropped In - Kenny Rogers
Let’s Stay Together - Al Green
Long Way Down – The Goo Goo Dolls
Monkey Man - The Rolling Stones
Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley
No Sleep Til Brooklyn – The Beastie Boys
One Love - Bob Marley
Rescue Me - Fontella Bass
Rock and Roll All Night - KISS
Rock Lobster - B-52s
Rock With You - Michael Jackson
Separate Ways - Journey
September - Earth, Wind & Fire
Southern Cross - Crosby, Stills & Nash
Stay - Sugarland
Tempted - Squeeze
The Message - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five
The Reflex - Duran Duran
Tribute - Tenacious D
Try a Little Tenderness - Otis Redding
What I Want – Daughtry
Who Put the Bomp? – Barry Mann
You Don't Know Me - Ray Charles
You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
You're My Best Friend - Queen

My Top Ten as Voted on by Songfacts Members

1. Happy Together - The Turtles
2. I Wanna Be Sedated – Ramones
3. You're My Best Friend - Queen
4. Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me - Elton John
5. Fire - Jimi Hendrix
6. Let's Stay Together - Al Green
7. Boys of Summer - Don Henley
8. You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
9. Ain't Too Proud to Beg - The Temptations
10.Rescue Me - Fontella Bass

Good shit, eh?

What the Felch?

2009-07-14T20:58:00.008-04:00

I was watching Z-Rock the other night when my mind was blown.

If you don't know what Z-Rock is, it is a hilariously random show on the Independent Film Channel about a struggling hard rock band who play kids' parties during the day to make extra money. Observe the trailer for the first season:

Jim Norton was a guest on this week's episode. If you don't know who he is, he is a ridonkulously vulgar and most-of-the-time funny comedian. Here he is:

Anyhoo, I won't bore you with the plot of the show. What blew my mind is what Jim said. He was in a busy restaurant and screamed out, "Who do I have to felch to get my tuna nicoise?"

I must tell you that I'm a vulgarian by nature and I pride myself on my obscene vocabulary. To paraphrase the movie "A Christmas Story", I work profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. So I knew that felch was a wirty dord, but I wasn't exactly sure what it meant.

So I looked it up.

Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the three wisemen, the sheep, the gold, the frankincense and the myrrh, did I look it up.

Now I'm worried that by googling felch, I've been put on some sort of Department of Homeland Deviant watch list.

Criminy.

Saying Hi to Mr. Hankey

2009-07-10T09:55:00.012-04:00

I was in the bathroom last night, preparing to drop off the Browns at the Super Bowl. Y'know, put the brownies in the oven. Y'know, check if Puxatawnee Phil can see his shadow.

Anyhoo, whilst I was preparing, my five year old daughter Ally came barrelling into the bathroom, sat down on the floor, put her tiny little face in her tiny little hands, and just looked at me. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Nothing." I told her what I was about to do and asked her to leave. "Why, Mama?" I told her because I wasn't comfortable with an audience.

Meanwhile, the cat came in and sat down to observe the goings on.

Ally couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that I didn't want to drop a deuce in front of her. I tried to explain to her that some things needed to be done in private. She came back with the lightning quick logic of a five year old mind: "But you come in the bathroom with me and you used to wipe my poopy booty when I wore diapers, so why can't I be in here with you?" So I tell her, "I just can't, sugar."

Then, she gives me her patented "Mama, you're such a dumb ass" look and tells me, "Sure you can. All you have to do is try really hard."

God, I love that child and my glamorous life.

Hell to the No

2009-07-02T10:28:00.010-04:00

Anna Kane, 5, of Alton, Ill. lays down on 'The Ledge,' the new glass balconies suspended 1,353 feet (412 meters) in the air and jut out 4 feet (1.22 meters) from the Sears Tower's 103rd floor Skydeck Wednesday, July 1, 2009 in Chicago. The Ledge will open to public on Thursday.
(AP Photo/Kiichiro Sato)

I've got two words for this: fuck and you.

Mama don't like no heights. When I was younger it was so bad that I refused to fly and had mini panic attacks driving over large bridges. Thankfully, I've learned to deal with it but I'm still not a fan. I saw the story on the Skydeck on Yahoo this morning and a cold chill ran through my body. Egads, man.

That is the absolute pinnacle of insanity to me. I just about can't breathe whenever I think about this cat walking a tight rope between the Twin Towers. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the three wiseman and the sheep.

After all that, I will report that one of my proudest moments as a certified crazy person happened on my honeymoon at Disney World almost 14 years ago. John and I went to the Hollywood Studios park and saw The Tower of Terror. I don't know what possessed me, but I told him I wanted to do it. Perhaps I was feeling bold because I was embarking on a new chapter of my life as a married woman. Or perhaps I was just on a hormone high from all the honeymoon fornication.

Anyhoo, there was some sort of Twilight Zone themed mystery going on before we get on the elevator. However, I don't remember any of it because I wasn't paying attention. I was trying not to puke my guts up all over the lovely Hawaiian shirt clad tourists in our group. We got on the elevator car, strapped in, and began the slow ascent to my worst nightmare. The anticipation was mind numbing.

And then they just dropped us. Even after all this time, I can still feel the bottom dropping out from underneath me. The coup de fucking grace was when they stopped the ride, pushed the elevator car out of the tower, and opened the doors where we could see how high up we were. Then they pulled us back, shut the doors, and dropped us the rest of the way to the bottom. I swear to God/Yaweh/Allah/Hasselhoff that a piece of my entrails must still be embedded in the wall of that damned thing, because I screamed so loud it felt like my innards flew out of my mouth.

I could barely pry my fingers off the safety bar to get out of the seat. I was speechless for a good 5 minutes after we left the ride, which is impressive if you know anything about me and my big mouth. I have never been so horrified in my life, but I am so glad I did it. Whenever I think I'm a total nut case about heights, I can always go back to the moment I told my acrophobia to kiss my sweet ass.

Scaramouche Scaramouche

2009-06-30T08:44:00.008-04:00

I was on the way to work this morning when I heard Bohemian Rhapsody on the radio. I've loved this song for as long as I can remember, but I haven't actually listened to it in a while. I was so enraptured that I got to work before it was over and sat in the car until it was finished.

It is a brilliantly intricate piece of music that somehow makes sense of the separate parts. Freddie Mercury claimed that the lyrics were just "random rhyming nonsense", but the story of the young murderer is still very touching and can be interpreted many ways. The video has the distinction of being one of the first where visual images took precedence over the song. (As always, I get all my song facts from the best website in the world, Songfacts.)

Of course something this awesome is ripe for pop culture tributes and parodies. The most famous would be the scene in Wayne's World where Wayne, Garth and friends rock out in the Mirthmobile to the song.

Old School Computer Remix:

Performed by 25 of the most annoying voices in music industry:

Weird Al's obligatory polka tribute:

And just because I love Graph Jam:

I'm an Ordained Minister!

2009-06-29T08:49:00.007-04:00

Okay, I'm ordained in the Church of the Latter Day Dude, but I'm still feeling very holy-ish right now.

Since we're talking about the Dude, I feel the need to share this video. I know it's a hundred years old but it makes me cackle like a loon every time I watch it. I have the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy.

MJ Tribute from the Phillipines

2009-06-28T21:37:00.010-04:00

The prisoners at a Phillipine prison made an internet splash a couple of years ago with their rendition of Michael Jackson's Thriller. For some odd reason, dancing was introduced in the prison as a way to exercise on the inmates' road to rehabilitation. Check out the routine here:

Yesterday, the inmates staged another routine as a tribute to Michael and his legacy. This is so strange but at the same time oddly touching.

I don't know what kind of friggin' prison this is, but when I am eventually thrown in the pokey, I'm putting in my request to be sent to the Phillipines. Sure, it's a men's facility, but apparently I'm a thousand times more masculine than these cats.

RIP, Michael. You are still inspiring the masses to let their freak flags fly even in death.

Ma ma say ma ma sa, Ma ma coo sa.

2009-06-26T09:34:00.012-04:00

Let me jump on the global bandwagon and profess my sadness at Michael Jackson's untimely death. I have loved him for as long as I can remember. I saved up all my allowance and chore money to buy the "Off the Wall" record, my very first musical purchase. I had "Thriller" on both vinyl and cassette. He and I parted ways after "Bad", but I still had the utmost respect for him as a musician and a performer. Sure, it's a bit hypocritical to love him as an artist while being horrified at the accusations that plagued him for years. Then again, if we judged all musicians based on their personal lives, we're left with nobody but fucking Pat Boone. Screw that.

I'm a moderator on a music message board and some ignorant bitch said something to the effect of, "He's dead, but I wouldn't say I'm broken up about it." Despite his personal issues, he was still a human being and a father of three children. It's a terrible state of affairs when someone's death gives a person the greenlight to showcase his or her lack of compassion and grace.

Anyhoo, let's celebrate and not mourn, shall we? Here are a few of my favorite MJ songs from over the years. Click link to go to the video.

ABC

I Want You Back

Ease on Down the Road

Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

Rock With You

Off the Wall

Billie Jean

Beat It

Thriller

We are the World

Bad

The Way You Make Me Feel

Man in the Mirror

Remember the Time