The Great Outdoors

My favorite place to enjoy the outdoors is indoors on the couch in front of the TV, watching either the Discovery Channel or the National Geographic Channel. Mother Nature's beauty is best observed through a pane of glass. I despise bugs and heat and pollen. I cannot fathom the thought of hiking or camping as recreation. I love watching the eyeball-eating, marrow-sucking, urine-swilling Bear Grylls on Man vs Wild, but I break out in hives just thinking about that sort of crap. God/Yaweh/Allah/Hasselhoff gave us the good sense to build shelter to get the fuck out of the elements and into air conditioning. Who am I to argue with Him? Or Her? Or It? My ideal environment would be a series of interconnecting tunnels in which sunlight is strictly forbidden and the central heat and air system is set at a delightful 69 degrees.