Top Fifty - I Wanna Be Your Lover

Mere words cannot describe how much I love Prince Rogers Nelson. I have adored that little purple bastard since the late 70s. I saw him in concert in the 80s and I just about had a coronary embolism when he drove out on stage in the flyest purple pimp mobile you have ever seen. He is a 4 foot nothing musical giant who can fill an entire arena with just his presence and assless chaps. I've never found him terribly attractive but I can definitely see the appeal. I've always said that I don't want to fuck him but I'd love to watch him fuck someone else.

It was very difficult to choose one song per artist for my Top Fifty. However, "I Wanna Be Your Lover" is absolutely my favorite Prince track, hands down. Sure I love at least two hundred Prince songs, but this is the one I immediately start dancing to every time I hear the beginning notes. If you can listen to this and not move at least one part of your body, you have no soul, man.

For all the respect I have for him, I do understand that Prince is a polarizing figure. He sometimes makes it easy to forget about his music when he's pulling stunts like writing the word "slave" on his face or changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol. As a testament of my love for Prince, I briefly changed my name to a symbol back in the 90s:

As an extra bonus, please enjoy Charlie Murphy's story about playing basketball with Prince (as played by Dave Chappelle). "Game - blouses."

Top Fifty - Brass in Pocket

Apparently Chrissie Hynde doesn't like this song, but goddamnit I do.

According to the always reliable Wikipedia, "Brass in Pocket" by The Pretenders was the seventh video played during MTV's launch on August 1, 1981. God help me, I remember watching the same fucking 20 videos over and over again during the early months of MTV. I would rather slit my own throat with a rusty box cutter than watch Pat Benatar in that damned black and white striped shirt ever again, but somehow I never got sick of watching Chrissie pretend to be the world's worst waitress. I won't even mention watching her pretend to be the world's worst femme.

My 12 year old mind never quite figured out what the hell Detroit leaning, side step or the new skank was, but I didn't care. It sounded cool and grown up and ballsy, all the things I was not at that awkward age. Thirty years later I'm still not 100% on what they are, but at least I am now the coolest mother funker on the planet and can pretend I know what they mean.

Just for kicks, here is the glorious Scarlett Johannson singing the song in a scene from "Lost in Translation".

Chrissie rocks me sideways.

Top Fifty - Helter Skelter

As I sit here listening to the current crop of American Idol wannabes violently ass rape the entire Beatles catalog, it has occurred to me to pay tribute to my very favorite Fab Four song, Helter Skelter.

According to the almighty Songfacts, Paul McCartney wanted to write the "loudest, nastiest, sweatiest rock number we could" after reading a Pete Townshend interview describing a Who track (possibly "I Can See For Miles") as "The most raucous rock 'n' roll, the dirtiest thing they'd ever done." This was the result.

The song is named after a slide at a British amusement park. The first line is a joke about this: "When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide, where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride."

For the album version, recorded September 9, 1968, 21 takes of approximately 5 minutes each were recorded, and the last one is featured on the official LP. Poor Ringo's hands hurt so badly from all the drumming, he famously yelled out at the end of the last take, "I've got blisters on my fingers!"

I love all versions of Beatles - from happy, poppy Beatles to psychedelic sitar Beatles, but nothing gets me going more than the dirty lowdown Beatles that growled and riffed through Helter Skelter.

Top Fifty - I Wanna Be Sedated

I love me some Ramones. They can do no wrong in my book. They would come in, rock your face off in two minutes with three chords, and get right the fuck out before you knew what hit you. I totally wanted to be PJ Soles because she got to hang out with the guys in "Rock 'n' Roll High School".

The boys had so many great songs, including "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker" and "Blitzkrieg Bop". However, "I Wanna Be Sedated" has always been my favorite. The "ba ba ba" in the chorus gets me up and jumping around every time I hear it.

Top Fifty - Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

I've already talked of my love for Marvin Aday aka Bob "Bitch Tits" Paulson aka Eddie here, but I am of the mindset that there is no such thing as too much Meat Loaf. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, yo.

Who would have thought that such a soggy looking summamabitch could sing such a beautifully heart wrenching song about love gone awry? That brother is sweatier than Patrick Ewing during double overtime.

I want you, goddamnit. I need you, you rat bastard. But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, mother fucker.

Top Fifty - Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)

We will now take a journey back to the late 60s, when Kenny Rogers was a member of the country folk band The First Edition but before he was the booze soaked, plastic surgery addicted Rotisserie King we all know and love. As always, when choosing my Top Fifty Favorite Songs, I opted for one song per artist. I have always worshiped Kenny, so this was an extremely difficult task. When he gets it right he can tell amazing stories ("Lucille", "Coward of the County", "The Gambler"). However, I will admit that when he gets it wrong, he sucks big hairy donkey balls ("Islands in the Mother Fucking Stream").

I've always liked "Just Dropped In" but its inclusion in the almighty "The Big Lebowski" officially sealed the deal. Now when I hear the song I have the urge to put on a ratty bathrobe, drink a Caucasian and go bowling. The Dude abides.

The original acid trip version:

The Lebowski acid trip version:

Top Fifty - Try a Little Tenderness

I would like to direct your attention to the section titled "My Top Fifty Favorite Songs" on the left column of your screen. Go ahead, read it. I'll wait until you've finished. *tapping fingers impatiently* Ok, so you should now be caught up to speed. Let's begin, children.

For my first selection, I'm going to go with a little Otis Redding. Ah, Otis. That man's voice is good for the soul, I tell you. Tragically, he was taken from us too soon, but he left behind some spectacular music. One of my self-imposed rules of the Top Fifty was that each artist could only be represented once. Therefore, I had to choose from many of my favorite Otis songs, such as "I've Been Loving You Too Long", "Hard to Handle", "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" and "Respect". I picked "Try a Little Tenderness" because it goes from a slow, soulful beginning to an all out, hand clapping, foot stomping ending. As they say here in south Georgia, where Otis was born and where I now live, that brother took it to church. Sit back and enjoy Otis at his best:

Being a woman of a certain age, I would be remiss if I did not bring up one of the song's most memorable cinematic appearances. How could you not love Jon Cryer as Duckie in "Pretty in Pink", lip syncing, dancing and air humping like nobody's damn business?

I absolutely adore the Paul Giamatti and Andre Braugher version from the steaming pile of elephant dung known as the movie "Duets". I love Giamatti long time, baby. He rocks me sideways.

You can find the Songfacts for the song here and the Artistfacts for Otis here. There you have it, folks. I think we're off to a beautiful start.