Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)

Wrapping paper or gift bags?
· Gift bags. The only thing I'm wrapping is an old school jam, yo.

Real tree or artificial?
· As artificial as the commercialized spirit of the season.

When do you put up the tree?
· The day after Thanksgiving.

When do you take the tree down?
· When I'm good and goddamned ready.

Do you like egg nog?
· Sure, if it's spiked with enough hooch.

Hardest person to buy for?
· Kelly, because she is so spoiled and has everything she needs anyway.

Easiest person to buy for?
· Mr. Peaches, because my undying and eternal love is all he wants for Christmas.

Mail or email Christmas cards?
· Mail. Who the hell emails Christmas cards?

Favorite Christmas movie?
· A Christmas Story

When do you start shopping for Christmas?
· I try to buy things periodically throughout the year.

Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
· God help me, but yes, I have regifted.

Clear lights or colored on the tree?
· Colored, because it's harder to tell if they are crooked than clear lights.

Favorite Christmas song?
· Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC.

Can you name all of Santa's reindeers?
· Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph. Give me a challenge next time, suckers.

Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
· Christmas morning. What kind of heathen shoots their holiday load on Christmas Eve?

Most annoying thing about this time of year?
· Shopping amongst people who have no conception that there are other people on the earth who insist on trampling all over you like you don't fucking exist.

Favorite ornament theme or color?
· I dig snowmen and have them all over my house and office.

What do you want for Christmas this year?
* My two front teeth, of course.

The Seven Deadly Sins


What is your weapon of choice?
My fists of fury.

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
In a hot minute, yo.

How about the same sex?
In a hot half a minute, yo.

Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
I'm oblivious to the feelings of those around me, but chances are it was Mr. Peaches. I live to torment that poor, sweet bastard.

What is your pet peeve?
Anything mouth related. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) Whistling, popping gum, chewing with an open all drives me out of my damned tree.

Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I tend to get really furious with the quickness, but then I get over it with the quickness as well.


What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't?
Make the bed. I'm going to get right back in it, so what's the point?

What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Since the Peachlette was born? 7 o'fucking clock.

What is the last lame excuse that you made?
My dog ate my will to live. And I don't even have a dog.

Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Of course...who doesn't ? I love me an informercial. I don't care what it's about, I'm there, and I'd love to pay for it in 2 easy installments of $19.99.


What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
A crappucino from the local gas station.

Are you a meat eater?
Duh. If it once had a heartbeat, it is now on my plate.

What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Is this a trick question? I don't remember the greatest amount of alcohol I've had at once because I was probably passed out at the time and therefore in no condition to remember anything.

Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?
Yes. Sweatpants also make me very comfortable with my drinking and eating habits.

Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?
Salty foods. I'm thinking of installing a salt deer lick in my house to satisfy my cravings.

Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?
What do I look like, Jeffrey Dahmer? Sheesh.


How many credit cards do you own?
More than 1, less than 100.

If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Buy a new house and install a bacon dispensing machine in every room.

Would you rather be rich or famous?
Rich. I'm already famous in my own mind.

Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?
Without a second thought.


What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?
Go back to college at my advanced age.

What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?

Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Another trick question. I'm always in possession of much higher skill than all other competitors.

Have you ever cheated to get a better score?
Not that I can recall, but I have been known to be a sneaky bitch at times, so I can't guarantee it.


How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?
Ummm...I cannot make an accurate estimation of that number.

How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)?
It's my life's goal to flash as many people as possible, so again, I cannot make an accurate estimation of that number.

Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?
Staring, no. A casually interested glance or two, sure.

What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?
Smile...lips and teeth. I don't like no jacked up grill, yo.

Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons?
Does telling someone to go fuck themselves count? Because if it does, I have orgies every day.

Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Yes, by your mother.


Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
Kelly, just to see that bitch lift a finger.

If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?
The doctor who performs Jack Black's prostate exams.

Have you ever been cheated on?
What the hell does this have to do with envy? I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may force me to go into my past and pimp slap someone.

What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Patience, grasshopper.

What deadly sin:

Do you do the most often?

Do you do the least often?

Is your favorite to act on?
It's a tie. Ideally, I'd act on lust first and then indulge in some sloth.

All You Zombies

I think Wal-Mart combines a brain paralyzing chemical agent with the air supply in their stores, thus rendering all shoppers clinically stupid. All shoppers but me, of course.

Like a Virgin

This is my first post on the fancy Blogger interwebs. As I have absolutely nothing to say, I will drop a little famous first trivia about women on you, starting with the year I was born. Yes, I'm old. You shut your mouth when you're talking to me. __________________________________________________

1969 - Shirley Chisholm --- 1st African-American woman in Congress (D-NY). Her motto is, "Unbought and unbossed." She served in the U.S. House of Representatives for New York for 14 years.
* Unbought and unbossed...excellent. Certainly this phrase brought about the 1st time someone said, "You go, girl!"

1971 - Fran Phillips --- 1st woman to set foot on the North Pole, on April 5th.
* That was one cold beeyotch.

1975 - Ella Grasso --- 1st woman to become a Governor of a state (Connecticut) without a husband preceding her in the governor's chair
* I remember her from when I grew up in Connecticut. There was even a joke about her. "What do you get when you cross Ella Grasso with Darth Vader? Ella-Vader." Tee hee.

1977 - Janet Guthrie --- 1st woman to qualify and race at the Indianapolis 500.
* That was one fast beeyotch.

1979 - Diana Nyad --- 1st person to swim from the Bahamas to Florida.
* That was one tired beeyotch.

1984 - Geraldine Ferraro --- 1st woman to run for vice-president on a major party ticket (D-Texas).
* Oh, Geraldine, if only your legacy stopped there...

1987 - Aretha Franklin --- 1st female artist inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
* I don't have a witty comment, but good gravy on mashed potatoes do I love me some Aretha.

1992 - Aileen Wuornos --- 1st female serial killer in America.
* I think Charlize Theron should play me in the movie version of my life. The poster will show her face sans eyebrows superimposed over a peach. That's box office gold, baby.

1996 - Dolly, the lamb --- 1st cloned mammal.
* That was one woolly beeyotch.

1998 - Elizabeth Ann Oliver --- 1st woman to have her baby's birth broadcast live over the Internet.
* Ew.

2000 - Hilary Rodham Clinton --- elected to the US. Senate, becoming the 1st First Lady ever elected to national office.
* I'm not necessarily a fan, but she's looking more respectable and less frakking looney tunes by comparison lately.

2002 - Halle Berry --- 1st African American woman to win an Oscar for Best Actress.
* Anyone who had to pretend to bang Billy Bob Thornton deserves an Oscar. Yikes.

2006 - Anousheh Ansari --- 1st female "space tourist," on September 18, 2006, she paid $20 million to ride on the Russian Soyuz TMA-9 capsule.
* That is one throwing perfectly good money out the window beeyotch.

2007 -Drew Gilpin Faust --- 1st first woman president in Harvard University ’s 371-year history.
* It's about GD time, Harvard. Welcome to the post-Paleolithic era, you bastards.


And thus concludes my first official blog. More foolishness to come.

* Trivia taken from