I have received a fancy "I am really fucking awesome" blogger award thingy from the delightful Bev. I am supposed to tag 15 of my favorite bloggers and such. However, this week has been hell on wheels and I haven't carved out the time to do a proper job of honoring those who make me BOLLADS (bark out loud like a dying seal).

So I'm just going to give you a few things that have been stuck in my head lately until I can get a moment to do my homework. Some of these are old and some are new, but all make me laugh. Enjoy!

Margaret Cho always makes me cackle.

Who says romance is dead?

Sweet Jesus, do I love me some Gordon Ramsay.

I love Paget so much. She is one funny broad.

Chickens don't clap.

The Caaa...The Caaa...

My Top Fitty

My favorite website in the whole wide world of the web is Songfacts. I'm a music freak and I always learn something new from Carl and the gang whenever I check the main site. I am also a (dork alert) moderator on the site's message boards. I joined the boards a week after my daughter was born and I've met some amazingly strange and wonderful people there. (I've committed some sort of faux pas ending that sentence with a "there", haven't I? It doesn't look right but I don't have the strength to suss it out. Oh well, I'm known for my tits and not my sentence structure, so screw it.)

We are a group of voters. There is a weekly top ten in which we nominate 2 songs and vote for our favorite 7. Just kidding, it's ten. I'm trying to see who's paying attention. We also have a Songfactor's Choice and we've just started up a Movie Choice.

A while ago, we all came up with a list of our own top fifty favorite songs and the other members voted on their top ten out of that fifty. My list is so fantastic that I felt the need to unwrap it, take it out of the box, shake off the dust and share it with the non-Songfacts world. Keep in mind these are not necessarily what I think are the greatest songs of all time, but songs that mean something special to me and have played a part in my life at one time or another.

Then again, Rick Astley is represented, so this may very well be a list of the greatest fucking songs in the history of music. Holla!

My Nominations

2 Out of 3 Ain't Bad - Meatloaf
A Change is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke
A Song for You - Donny Hathaway
Ain't Too Proud to Beg - The Temptations
And I Am Telling You - Jennifer Holliday
At Last - Etta James
Boys of Summer - Don Henley
Brass in Pocket - The Pretenders
Burnin' Up - Madonna
Chain of Fools - Aretha Franklin
Cult of Personality - Living Color
Desperado - The Eagles
Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me - Elton John
Dust in the Wind – Kansas
Fallin’ - Alicia Keys
Father Figure – George Michael
Fire - Jimi Hendrix
Happy Together - The Turtles
Helter Skelter – The Beatles
Hush - Kula Shaker
I Wanna Be Your Lover – Prince
I Wanna Be Sedated – The Ramones
I Wish - Stevie Wonder
In My Daughter’s Eyes - Martina McBride
It's Tricky - Run DMC
Just Dropped In - Kenny Rogers
Let’s Stay Together - Al Green
Long Way Down – The Goo Goo Dolls
Monkey Man - The Rolling Stones
Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley
No Sleep Til Brooklyn – The Beastie Boys
One Love - Bob Marley
Rescue Me - Fontella Bass
Rock and Roll All Night - KISS
Rock Lobster - B-52s
Rock With You - Michael Jackson
Separate Ways - Journey
September - Earth, Wind & Fire
Southern Cross - Crosby, Stills & Nash
Stay - Sugarland
Tempted - Squeeze
The Message - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five
The Reflex - Duran Duran
Tribute - Tenacious D
Try a Little Tenderness - Otis Redding
What I Want – Daughtry
Who Put the Bomp? – Barry Mann
You Don't Know Me - Ray Charles
You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
You're My Best Friend - Queen

My Top Ten as Voted on by Songfacts Members

1. Happy Together - The Turtles
2. I Wanna Be Sedated – Ramones
3. You're My Best Friend - Queen
4. Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me - Elton John
5. Fire - Jimi Hendrix
6. Let's Stay Together - Al Green
7. Boys of Summer - Don Henley
8. You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
9. Ain't Too Proud to Beg - The Temptations
10.Rescue Me - Fontella Bass

Good shit, eh?

What the Felch?

I was watching Z-Rock the other night when my mind was blown.

If you don't know what Z-Rock is, it is a hilariously random show on the Independent Film Channel about a struggling hard rock band who play kids' parties during the day to make extra money. Observe the trailer for the first season:

Jim Norton was a guest on this week's episode. If you don't know who he is, he is a ridonkulously vulgar and most-of-the-time funny comedian. Here he is:

Anyhoo, I won't bore you with the plot of the show. What blew my mind is what Jim said. He was in a busy restaurant and screamed out, "Who do I have to felch to get my tuna nicoise?"

I must tell you that I'm a vulgarian by nature and I pride myself on my obscene vocabulary. To paraphrase the movie "A Christmas Story", I work profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. So I knew that felch was a wirty dord, but I wasn't exactly sure what it meant.

So I looked it up.

Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the three wisemen, the sheep, the gold, the frankincense and the myrrh, did I look it up.

Now I'm worried that by googling felch, I've been put on some sort of Department of Homeland Deviant watch list.


Saying Hi to Mr. Hankey

I was in the bathroom last night, preparing to drop off the Browns at the Super Bowl. Y'know, put the brownies in the oven. Y'know, check if Puxatawnee Phil can see his shadow.

Anyhoo, whilst I was preparing, my five year old daughter Ally came barrelling into the bathroom, sat down on the floor, put her tiny little face in her tiny little hands, and just looked at me. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Nothing." I told her what I was about to do and asked her to leave. "Why, Mama?" I told her because I wasn't comfortable with an audience.

Meanwhile, the cat came in and sat down to observe the goings on.

Ally couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that I didn't want to drop a deuce in front of her. I tried to explain to her that some things needed to be done in private. She came back with the lightning quick logic of a five year old mind: "But you come in the bathroom with me and you used to wipe my poopy booty when I wore diapers, so why can't I be in here with you?" So I tell her, "I just can't, sugar."

Then, she gives me her patented "Mama, you're such a dumb ass" look and tells me, "Sure you can. All you have to do is try really hard."

God, I love that child and my glamorous life.

Hell to the No

Anna Kane, 5, of Alton, Ill. lays down on 'The Ledge,' the new glass balconies suspended 1,353 feet (412 meters) in the air and jut out 4 feet (1.22 meters) from the Sears Tower's 103rd floor Skydeck Wednesday, July 1, 2009 in Chicago. The Ledge will open to public on Thursday.
(AP Photo/Kiichiro Sato)

I've got two words for this: fuck and you.

Mama don't like no heights. When I was younger it was so bad that I refused to fly and had mini panic attacks driving over large bridges. Thankfully, I've learned to deal with it but I'm still not a fan. I saw the story on the Skydeck on Yahoo this morning and a cold chill ran through my body. Egads, man.

That is the absolute pinnacle of insanity to me. I just about can't breathe whenever I think about this cat walking a tight rope between the Twin Towers. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the three wiseman and the sheep.

After all that, I will report that one of my proudest moments as a certified crazy person happened on my honeymoon at Disney World almost 14 years ago. John and I went to the Hollywood Studios park and saw The Tower of Terror. I don't know what possessed me, but I told him I wanted to do it. Perhaps I was feeling bold because I was embarking on a new chapter of my life as a married woman. Or perhaps I was just on a hormone high from all the honeymoon fornication.

Anyhoo, there was some sort of Twilight Zone themed mystery going on before we get on the elevator. However, I don't remember any of it because I wasn't paying attention. I was trying not to puke my guts up all over the lovely Hawaiian shirt clad tourists in our group. We got on the elevator car, strapped in, and began the slow ascent to my worst nightmare. The anticipation was mind numbing.

And then they just dropped us. Even after all this time, I can still feel the bottom dropping out from underneath me. The coup de fucking grace was when they stopped the ride, pushed the elevator car out of the tower, and opened the doors where we could see how high up we were. Then they pulled us back, shut the doors, and dropped us the rest of the way to the bottom. I swear to God/Yaweh/Allah/Hasselhoff that a piece of my entrails must still be embedded in the wall of that damned thing, because I screamed so loud it felt like my innards flew out of my mouth.

I could barely pry my fingers off the safety bar to get out of the seat. I was speechless for a good 5 minutes after we left the ride, which is impressive if you know anything about me and my big mouth. I have never been so horrified in my life, but I am so glad I did it. Whenever I think I'm a total nut case about heights, I can always go back to the moment I told my acrophobia to kiss my sweet ass.