Jack Bauer Interrogates Santa Claus

Good Advice From Spongebob

Apparently the Recession is Over

At least it must be according to Burger King.

15 sugars for one cup of coffee? I understand that according to the Official Lesbian Weight Scale, I am more of a Rosie O'Donnell than a Portia de Rossi, but damn, do I really look like I need 15 sugars? Jesus effing Christ. Way to piss away your supply costs, creepy King dude.

4 8 15 16 23 42

I just found out that I got a D in one of my classes and will have to take it again next semester. I was about to put my head in the oven and turn on the gas when I remembered Lost will return in February for its last season. I shall postpone the melodramatic offing of myself until mid-May.

Doin' it for December - Part 1

Just kidding. I don't have the testicular fortitude to blog every day in December. But I do promise to pop in more often than I did pre-November.

Anyhoo, I just had to share this precious note the lovely Peachlette stuck in my purse. The date is 11/19/09 which shows you how often I clean out my damned purse.

Not for Nothing November - Part 30

It is the last day of November and the last day of my self-imposed sentence to blog daily. Sure, I fudged a bit with some double posting to make up for a couple missing days, but you got 30 solid blogs out of me. Suck it if you don't like it.

So what have we learned about Kari aka Tenacious Peaches?

1] I cuss too fucking much.
2] I love the shit out of Shannon.
3] I am one tractor pull away from getting my official laminated redneck membership card.
3] I always go for the cheap joke.
4] I whip out my cans way more than necessary.

Fascinating creature, ain't I? Thanks for coming along for the ride, people. Love you...mean it!

Not for Nothing November - Part 29

I've suddenly become a target for Asian porn spammers so I've finally caved in and activiated the word verification thingy. I blame Bev and her blog about Dr. Duk Dong. I think reading that put me on some sort of watch list. I can only imagine what reading about Lady Gaga will bring me.

Not for Nothing November - Part 28

So I'm watching Spongebob mother loving Squarepants with the Peachlette today when I see a scene where the absorbent and yellow and porous fellow tells his driving instructor, "See you next Tuesday!" Being the vulgarian I am, I got the reference right away. However, at a football party I attended this evening, I shared the story and no one got it. Am I alone in knowing what this phrase stands for? Help me out, people. Do I have to spell it out for you? Fine, here it is.

C (See)
U (You)
N ext
T uesday

Not for Nothing November - Part 27

The day after Thanksgiving means it's time to whip out my favorite alternative/mostly inappropriate Christmas songs. Enjoy!

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Not for Nothing November - Part 26


STEP 1: Go buy a turkey
STEP 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
STEP 3: Put turkey in oven
STEP 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
STEP 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
STEP 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
STEP 7: Turn oven on
STEP 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
STEP 9: Turk the bastey
STEP 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
STEP 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
STEP 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
STEP 13: Bake the whiskey for hours
STEP 14: Test the lurkey for numbness
STEP 15: Take the oven out of the lurkey
STEP 16: Floor the lurkey up off of the pick
STEP 17: Turk the carvey
STEP 18: Get yourself nuther scottle of botch
STEP 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
STEP 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Not for Nothing November - Part 25

This should catch me up with daily blogs. Less than a week to go in November. Will I make it?


10. "Reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
3. "It's cool whip time!"
2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

... and the number one thing that sounds dirty at thanksgiving but

1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

Not for Nothing November - Part 24

I've mentioned this before but I'll remind you again as it has to do with this story. I was born and raised in Connecticut and after a slight 3 year detour in Florida, I have lived in Georgia for the past 18 years. My family train was firmly parked in Dysfunction Junction yet I have very distinct traditional memories of Thanksgiving. We always had our odd assortment of relatives (step and otherwise) over to the house for a turkey dinner with all the trimmings. My mom and I would have an official ceremony to name the turkey every year before we stuck it in the oven. I remember such names as Penelope, Frankenfurter and Zsa Zsa. Real Norman Rockwell type shit.

Now I love my in-laws and consider them to be more a family to me than my own. However, we don't see eye to eye on the Thanksgiving process. More often than not, they don't serve turkey.

No turkey on Thanksgiving? That's by God un-American. They also have random side dishes that I certainly did not grow up with. The oddest of the odd is pear salad. I apologize in advance if this is something you eat but that shiz is nasty, yo. This culinary delight consists of half of a canned pear filled with mayonnaise and topped with shredded cheese and a cherry. What the frikkity frak felch? It's like someone tripped in the kitchen and said, "What the hell...we'll just go with it."

I couldn't bear the thought of a turkey-less Thanksgiving this year, so I made my own for the three of us. Sure, we'll be eating the bird for the next 5 weeks, but that's okay. It made me happy to hold on to one of the few good memories I have of my childhood.

It is my pleasure to introduce the Turkey of the Peach Family 2009 - Bessie Higgenbottom.

Enjoy your day, people.

Not for Nothing November - Part 23

I heart Graph Jam!

For Shannon

For Samsmama

For Bev

For Stuart

For me

For everyone

Not for Nothing November - Part 22

Daughtry performed at the AMAs Sunday and I was once again paralyzed with love for that bald bastard. I've been in deep smit with him for years, as evidenced by my first public declaration seen here.

I mean, really...how can you resist this? He is truly the other white meat.

My group of peeps went to see Daughtry a couple of years ago. I was there with the besainted Mr. Peaches on our anniversary weekend. That alone tells you what a marvelous man he is. Anyhoo, Daughtry rocked our collective faces off and I "woo-ed" like no other fat old woman in the history of fat old women. As we were leaving the venue, we realized we were right by the tour buses. To this day, I don't know if I really saw him or just imagined it, but in the moment I swear I saw my beloved bald Daughtry board one of the buses. This is when I decided to whip out my then 38 year old cans and shake them in public. Why, I have no idea, but I was very proud of myself for having done so.

This story was brought to you by the letter "T" for tatas, tomatoes, and titties.

Not for Nothing November - Part 21

Demotivational posters never get old to me.

Not for Nothing November - Part 20

Warning: There is nothing funny or clever about this post. If you are looking for the usual tasteless yet sometimes humorous vulgarity featured on this blog, come back another day. We's about to get sentimental up in this piece.

This is for the sweet Peachlette, my beautiful daughter Ally, in honor of her 6th birthday. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have that tiny little person in my life. I had no idea how much I needed her until she got here and I am thankful every single day for the miracle that she brought to my life. *sob*

Not for Nothing November - Part 19

This blogging every day shit is getting to me. It's hard to find the time every day, hence the multiple blogs in one day.

I was watching The Silence of the Lambs for the trillionth time today and I was again astounded by how much I love it, especially the scenes with my man Buffalo Bill. Here are some random parodies and such.

Not for Nothing November - Part 18

I hate trains. I live in a teeny tiny south Georgia town with a ridiculous amount of train traffic. The tracks basically cut the town in two with only 1 overpass and the piss poor alternative of getting on the interstate for less than a mile to go over the irritating iron horse.

And of course, being the transplanted redneck I am, I live by the train tracks and the overpass. I hear the goddamned train whistle all the freak-frakking live long day. Most of the time I can tune it out, but when I am aware of it, I am ridonkulously aware of it.

This is the only train that makes me happy:

Not for Nothing November - Part 17

Praise God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff, Neil Patrick Harris is tweeting!

My love for NPH is legen...wait for it...dary!

Not for Nothing November - Part 16

I was a bit sad yesterday so I didn't blog. Forgive me, please.

In order to combat the sadness, I would like to share something I love with you people...my tall nerd crushes. Enjoy!

Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory

Matthew Gray Gubler as Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds

Hamish Linklater as Matthew Kimble from The New Adventures of Old Christine

Jerry Trainor as Spencer Shay from iCarly

My ultimate tall nerd crush, Conan mother loving O'Brien

Not for Nothing November - Part 15

We held Ally's 6th birthday party at Chuck E. mother loving Cheese today. I shall let this picture speak for me.

Not for Nothing November - Part 14

I'm watching The Wizard of Oz and having the time of my life. This is the greatest movie of all time and I love it so much it hurts.

I totally believe that Dark Side of the Moon syncs up with Oz and I don't even get high.

For you know who.

Gotta love Family Guy.

Shout out to The Wiz!

Click here to see the Diva Off clip from my new favorite show of all time Glee, featuring Kurt and Rachel. The song is Defying Gravity, from the Broadway musical Wicked, which is based on The Wizard of Oz. It's all circular, man.

I would be remiss if I did not share with you a picture of my sweet Ally dressed as Dorothy for Halloween last year.

Not for Nothing November - Part 13

For Shannon...

Tenacious Peaches
is betrunken and sleepy.
Nighty night, bitches!

Not for Nothing November - Part 12

My child has lost her freaking mind. I swear she stumbled upon a meth lab on the way to recess. She is zooming through the house like Speedy effing Gonzalez.

Here she is showing me the contraband Now & Later she snuck into her room at bedtime. I don't know how she got it past me. I think she called in Jack Bauer and CTU for a rogue candy smuggling operation. Damn it, Chloe.

And here is the Tasmanian Devil jumping on her bed. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the three wisemen, the sheep, the gold, the frankincense, the myrhh, and the star of Bethlehem.

She's lucky she's cute or I would have put her in a basket and left her at an orphanage a long time ago.

Not for Nothing November - Part 11

I love me some Jeopardy. I've watched it with Alex Trebek as host since the 80s. He's still not the same without the Canadian porn 'stache.

I have tried out for the show twice, to no avail. That shit be hard, yo. However, I'm determined to keep trying until I make it. I haven't tried out since Ally was born, so I've got to get it together and, in the words of my silver fox Tim Gunn, make it work. I need to make this happen before La Trebek retires, which should be soon considering he has to be in his early hundreds.

I'm so obsessed that my ring tone is the final Jeopardy theme. A student stole my cell phone out of my office about a year ago, so I keep my new phone in my bra to prevent future thievery. Every so often I forget to turn my phone to vibrate and my boob will ring out, "Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo, doo doo doo doo, doo, doo...bum bum."

Obviously, any talk of Jeopardy would be incomplete without without mentioning the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits featuring Will Ferrell as Trebek and Darryl Hammond as Sean Connery. A special shout out goes to Norm MacDonald as Burt Reynolds aka Turd Ferguson.

Here's an awesome soundboard

via videosift.com

Alex Trebek: Let's go to "Members of Simon and Garfunkel" for $200. "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel." [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?

Bjork: Sometimes when I'm putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?

Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?

Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?

Alex Trebek: "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel".

Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]

Not for Nothing November - Part 10

It's Tenacious Tuesday, y'all!

10 Commandments of the D
1. Never stop Rocking.
2. Legalize all drugs.
3. Quit your day job.
4. All Religion should be taxed.
5. Cut down on carbohydrates.
6. Fuck her gently.
7. Never believe what people tell you after a show.
8. Always take a spoon full of Metamucil after a heavy day of eating.
9. Get at least 9 hours of sleep a day.
10. Eatin' ain't cheatin'.

Not for Nothing November - Part 9

The lovely and delightful Bev wanted her devoted readers to show their office spaces. Since I have a huge girl crush on her, I've decided to comply with her wishes. I am very easily manipulated.

Here is my work 'puter. Note the blog, people.

Artwork by the southern Picasso, Ally. I don't think you can see it too clearly, but there is a picture of her in a tiny little University of Georgia Bulldog cheerleader outfit. I don't want her to grow up to be an acutal beer pong playing, crystal meth snorting skank UGA cheerleader, but she's cute enough right now that I'll allow the fantasy.

Sidebar - Here's one of my favorite UGA jokes:

Q: What do Georgia and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls.

Moving on, here is more art by the miniature Monet, a picture of Mr. Peaches and the Peachlette, and a thank you card from one of our sweet students. I love most of them.

Yes, I am one of those mothers who have pictures of their rugrats all over the place. Go frig yourself if you don't like it. This is my area of motherly statues and a cutout of Ally in her ballet outfit. Notice that amongst the nurturing environment is the plant that I am systematically trying to drain the life from.

Sidebar - Here's one of my favorite jokes addressing my terrible grammatical habit of ending sentences with prepositions:

A Southern belle finds herself sitting next to two New England yankees on an airplane. The belle turns to the yankees and asks, “So, where y'all from?”

The yankees look at each other and turn up their noses. One of them says, “We're from a place where we don’t end sentences with prepositions.”

Without missing a beat, the belle replies, “So, where y'all from, bitches?”

Not for Nothing November - Part 8

Yes, I'm still sticking with my "post every day in November" self-imposed sentence. The Rerun post from earlier is technically my Saturday post. I was unable to blog yesterday because I was at the Big Pig Jig.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Big Pig Jig.

I'll let that soak in a minute.

The Big Pig Jig is a yearly barbeque competition and festival held in Vienna Georgia. The Big Pig Jig is now one of America's largest cooking themed festivals.

Fast Facts About The Big Pig Jig:

*Over 120 cooking teams are expected to compete for top honors.

*Competition rules state that barbeque is defined as pork meat only that is prepared on wood and/or a charcoal fire.

*Over 25,000 festivalgoers are expected to take in the two-day event this year.

*Cash prizes are awarded to the winners and prizes awarded in the past have totalled over $15,000.

The Jig really is a big deal around these parts. It's been featured on the Food Network as part of the show Good Eats with Alton Brown.

One of my favorite things about the Jig is the yearly themes. This year it was "Pigieval Times". Other themes have been "Hogaritaville" and my beloved "The Wizard of Hogs".

I'd like to point out a couple of things before I regale you with my favorite Pig Jig story.

First, it is held in Vienna, GA. 99% of people on God's green earth would call the town Veeenna, as in the capital of Austria. However, the lovely citizens of south Georgia refer to the town as Vyenna, as in I don't know how to pronounce words correctly. Of course these are the same people who call the town of Milan, Millin, as in "chillin' like a villian taking penicillin in Milan". Jesus Christ on a cracker.

Second, the thriving metropolis of Vienna boasts one traffic light. I grew up in Connecticut until the age of 19, lived in Florida for three years, and then moved to Georgia. Not just anywhere in Georgia, mind you. Vienna, Georgia. I was driving home after work late one night and to my utter amazement, a goat wandered into the intersection. I swear the bastard paused for dramatic effect under the one traffic light in town just to freak me out. That shit doesn't happen in Connecticut. Martha Stewart simply would not stand for it.

Okay, it is now time for my Big Pig Jig story.

The delightful Mr. Peaches and I were married on October 14, 1995. My two bffs, Julie and Betsy, flew down from Connecticut to be my bridesmaids. We did not plan this as part of the nuptial celebrations, but the wedding just so happened to fall on the same weekend as the Big Pig Jig. Being the good hosts we are, we took the wedding party to the Jig to show Julie and Betsy how the rednecks lived.

People, we had the betrunken time of our lives.

There is really not much to actually do at the Jig unless you are part of a cooking team. One would think it would be a smorgasbord of porcine taste testing, but it's not. It's a competition, so all the teams are cooking for the judges, not for the general public. It's great if you know a team, because they will feed you much pork and beer. My darling friend Tara and her husband Jeff were kind enough to shower me with delicious ribs yesterday. 'Tis manna from heaven, I tell you.

Anyhoo, back to the redneck bachelor/bachelorette party. There were three girls and three guys in our crowd, wandering around trying to see what we could get into. My friends were flabbergasted that you had to purchase beer tickets at one booth, then go to another booth to get the beer. They were even more flabbergasted that one had the option of buying a 12 pack of beer (Bud or Bud Lite - anything else is goddamned un-American) and walk around with it.

So we proceed to see the limited sites of the Jig. Back then, they had a mini carnival set up with rides. Personally, I refuse to get on those fly by night rides. Have you seen the people that set the rides up? Mother fucker, if I can't trust you to brush the 3 remaining teeth you have in your head, I damned sure ain't gonna trust you to put together a 3 ton mechanism that could potentially be my final resting place. Hell to the naw.

The guys in our group, including the besainted Mr. Peaches, didn't care about such logistics, so they got on the Tilt-a-Whirl. This ride has cars that turn independently whilst the ride is also turning. The girls, including my betrunken ass, thought it would be funny to flash the guys as they were spinning around toward us. Of course it never occurred to us that as we were flashing them, we were also flashing everybody at the Jig.

To this day, I still have the urge to lift my shirt up whenever I go to the Jig. Good times.

Why do most of my stories end up with me whipping out my cans?

Not for Nothing November - Part 7

Dance, mother lovers, dance!

Not for Nothing November - Part 6

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'd sleep but I'm too goddamned tired. The Sandman can kiss my exhausted non-sleeping ass crack. Here's some sleepy stuff for you.

Lily von Schtupp singing my theme song:

Not for Nothing November - Part 5

God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff had best let me have my goddamned bacon and light bread for breakfast before he calls me home or else I am gonna be one cranky beeyotch. Don't make me throw some 'bows up in heaven.

Not for Nothing November - Part 4

On the advice of someone near and dear to my heart, I've started watching "The Big Bang Theory". I must say that it is rocking my nerdly world. I dig me a dork. Enjoy!

Not for Nothing November - Part 3

I sing.

I sing whenever the mood strikes me, at the top of my lungs, making the ears of those around me bleed. I know I suck, but I still want to be heard, damn it.

I have been known to pick up any object around me and sing into it like I am on stage at the Apollo. It doesn't matter what it is, although I have an affinity for singing into beer bottles. A quick glance at the pictures of me posted by friends on Facebook confirms my madness.

Criminy, I don't know if those pictures make me proud or embarrassed.

Anyhoo, I am laying the groundwork so I can tell you that my all time favorite sing-into-my-beer-bottle song is "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad", featuring the vocal stylings of Mr. Marvin Aday, aka Meat Loaf.

Songs just don't get better than this, people. It is so achingly sad that you can almost hear Meat's voice start to break from the sheer emotional power of it all. I just cannot resist its melancholy cheesetasticness.

A year or two ago, after listening to me belt out the song for probably the thousandth time, my dear friend Kelly informed me that she'd never really paid attention to the lyrics. After the shock wore off and I was brought back to consciousness with smelling salts, I proceeded to perform the first of many heartfelt renditions of "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".

This dramatization came to be known as "The Spoken Loaf".

I start out quietly, allowing the story of the two lovers unfold. I speak into whatever is closest to me, clutching my hand to heart. I throw in the occasional cuss word or three for emphasis, such as "there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, mother fucker". I really come into my own right after the drum break following the classic line, "But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box." I go from speaking to singing, letting all the hurt and despair flow from my body with broken notes and wild gesticulations. I end the spectacle on a gentle note, with my voice cracking and the back of my hand on my forehead, whispering, "Baby we can talk all night, but that ain't getting us nowhere."

I'm too distraught to go on. Enjoy the Loaf, y'all.

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't gettin us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears

And all I can do
Is keep on telling you
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Cause)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

You'll never find no gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coup de Ville
Hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box

I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got

There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away

And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Don't)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere