Not for Nothing November - Part 3

I sing.

I sing whenever the mood strikes me, at the top of my lungs, making the ears of those around me bleed. I know I suck, but I still want to be heard, damn it.

I have been known to pick up any object around me and sing into it like I am on stage at the Apollo. It doesn't matter what it is, although I have an affinity for singing into beer bottles. A quick glance at the pictures of me posted by friends on Facebook confirms my madness.





Criminy, I don't know if those pictures make me proud or embarrassed.

Anyhoo, I am laying the groundwork so I can tell you that my all time favorite sing-into-my-beer-bottle song is "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad", featuring the vocal stylings of Mr. Marvin Aday, aka Meat Loaf.

Songs just don't get better than this, people. It is so achingly sad that you can almost hear Meat's voice start to break from the sheer emotional power of it all. I just cannot resist its melancholy cheesetasticness.

A year or two ago, after listening to me belt out the song for probably the thousandth time, my dear friend Kelly informed me that she'd never really paid attention to the lyrics. After the shock wore off and I was brought back to consciousness with smelling salts, I proceeded to perform the first of many heartfelt renditions of "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".

This dramatization came to be known as "The Spoken Loaf".

I start out quietly, allowing the story of the two lovers unfold. I speak into whatever is closest to me, clutching my hand to heart. I throw in the occasional cuss word or three for emphasis, such as "there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, mother fucker". I really come into my own right after the drum break following the classic line, "But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box." I go from speaking to singing, letting all the hurt and despair flow from my body with broken notes and wild gesticulations. I end the spectacle on a gentle note, with my voice cracking and the back of my hand on my forehead, whispering, "Baby we can talk all night, but that ain't getting us nowhere."

I'm too distraught to go on. Enjoy the Loaf, y'all.



Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't gettin us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears

And all I can do
Is keep on telling you
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Cause)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

You'll never find no gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coup de Ville
Hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box

I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got

There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away

And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Don't)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere

6 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Have you met Carissa? Seems like you two might be long-lost friends of some sort.

Plus, she's looking for someone to burst into song with.

Headphones Monkey said...

God I love that song. It's the finest of the loaflettes I tells ya.

Kari said...

Sir mjenks, I just went and introduced myself to her. I believe we are kindred spirits. How the heck have you been, sugar?

Loaflettes sounds a little sketchy, Shannon. I like it.

carissajaded said...

hahaha Oh girl! We are more alike then you even know!!

Not only is singing my favorite thing to do in the world... But my favorite song to sing is a Meatloaf one as well. Paradise By the Dashboard Light... Oh yes. I can sing all 11 minutes of it and both the girl and the boy parts... and have been known to do this in public at karaoke bars! And are you familiar with the lyrics? Most epic song of all time, me thinks.

I have also been known to sing add fucks and mother fuckers into my songs....

I love you already!

carissajaded said...

AHHHH not to mention you reference my all time favorite movie quote of all time "I was born a poor black boy" in your about me! Amazing.

Kari said...

Carissa, I think I love you...but what am I so afraid of?

You are awesome! I have never either had the balls or been quite drunk enough to do public karaoke. Drunk enough would be blackout drunk, which would kind of negate the whole performing in public thing.

I love The Jerk! And I am a jerk! Why am I yelling?