The Birth of Tenacious Peaches

My internet alter ego is Tenacious Peaches. My first real interactive experience with the interwebs was at the Songfacts message boards. I had just given birth to my daughter (now known as The Peachlette) and was looking for songs to put on a CD to celebrate her existence. In my search, I came across Songfacts, the best website in the world. I stumbled across the boards and saw a forum for Questions and Answers. I had to join in order to ask for suggestions. I've never really had a nickname, so I came up with Tenacious Peaches on the fly.

Tenacious is for the greatest band ever, Tenacious D. I worship at the chubby, hairy, hilarious feet of Jack Black and Kyle Gass. I love them so much that I've even forgiven them for The Pick of Destiny. My husband (now known as Mr. Peaches) and I wore out their first CD we listened to it so much. Even now, I bust out singing random snippets of their songs. Allow me to rock your fucking socks off...



Peaches is not for the obvious Georgia reference. I don't even like the taste of peaches. My husband John is a very quiet, shy cat who wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful of it. Once he gets to know you, he's hysterically funny, but you wouldn't know it just to look at him. Many, many moons ago, we went to a Christmas party at my former place of employment. They gave out the crappiest door prizes imaginable. I got a men's wallet and a friend of mine got a cheap bath set with peach scented soaps and potpourri. My friend wanted to trade with me so she could give the wallet to her husband, therefore sticking me with the bath set. One of the people sitting at our table was joking around and told John, "Kari is going to smell so sexy you won't be able to keep your hands off her." It was then that my quiet husband shouted out in a crowded room for all of my coworkers to hear, "Yeah, I'll be picking peach pits out of her pussy for the next 3 months." God, I love that man.

And thus the glory that is Tenacious Peaches was born. Hallelujah and such.

The Great Outdoors

My favorite place to enjoy the outdoors is indoors on the couch in front of the TV, watching either the Discovery Channel or the National Geographic Channel. Mother Nature's beauty is best observed through a pane of glass. I despise bugs and heat and pollen. I cannot fathom the thought of hiking or camping as recreation. I love watching the eyeball-eating, marrow-sucking, urine-swilling Bear Grylls on Man vs Wild, but I break out in hives just thinking about that sort of crap. God/Yaweh/Allah/Hasselhoff gave us the good sense to build shelter to get the fuck out of the elements and into air conditioning. Who am I to argue with Him? Or Her? Or It? My ideal environment would be a series of interconnecting tunnels in which sunlight is strictly forbidden and the central heat and air system is set at a delightful 69 degrees.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

I wonder if my decades-long affair with the salty, fatty mistress known as Bacon will make me more susceptible to swine flu.

Bibbity bobbity BACON!

A Haiku about Fast Times at Ridgemont High

In my quest to find more inspiration to blog, I'm using Plinky to help inspire me. Here is my first Plink - write a haiku about the last movie you watched.

Blowjobs and toking,

Screwing and masturbating,

I miss the eighties.

Tell me why…

I don’t blog more often. I was all excited to bore the world with my pseudo-intellectual ramblings and amusing stories that serve no purpose other than to stroke my own gigantic ego. And then *poof*…nothing. I think the longer I didn’t blog, the more pressure I put on myself to make it beyond all fabulousness. Well, screw it. It’s not like anyone’s reading this fucking thing. I’m just going to blog vomit whatever comes to mind whenever the mood strikes me. It doesn’t have to be The Iliad or Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, for chrissakes.

So here is a video that I cannot get out of my mind and the accompanying blurb I posted on my Facebook page some time back. Enjoy!


I had the original video posted but the sumbitches disabled embedding. The literal version is even funnier, so enjoy.

It doesn't get better than the combo of Perry's beak, Schon's fro, the mulletted keyboardist and the duo of porn staches. If you don't feel the synthesized fabulosity of this song and video deep down in your gooey cheesy soul, go ahead and de-friend me now. There is no room in my life for you and your soulless existence.

Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)

Wrapping paper or gift bags?
· Gift bags. The only thing I'm wrapping is an old school jam, yo.

Real tree or artificial?
· As artificial as the commercialized spirit of the season.

When do you put up the tree?
· The day after Thanksgiving.

When do you take the tree down?
· When I'm good and goddamned ready.

Do you like egg nog?
· Sure, if it's spiked with enough hooch.

Hardest person to buy for?
· Kelly, because she is so spoiled and has everything she needs anyway.

Easiest person to buy for?
· Mr. Peaches, because my undying and eternal love is all he wants for Christmas.

Mail or email Christmas cards?
· Mail. Who the hell emails Christmas cards?

Favorite Christmas movie?
· A Christmas Story

When do you start shopping for Christmas?
· I try to buy things periodically throughout the year.

Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
· God help me, but yes, I have regifted.

Clear lights or colored on the tree?
· Colored, because it's harder to tell if they are crooked than clear lights.

Favorite Christmas song?
· Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC.

Can you name all of Santa's reindeers?
· Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph. Give me a challenge next time, suckers.

Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
· Christmas morning. What kind of heathen shoots their holiday load on Christmas Eve?

Most annoying thing about this time of year?
· Shopping amongst people who have no conception that there are other people on the earth who insist on trampling all over you like you don't fucking exist.

Favorite ornament theme or color?
· I dig snowmen and have them all over my house and office.

What do you want for Christmas this year?
* My two front teeth, of course.

The Seven Deadly Sins

Wrath

What is your weapon of choice?
My fists of fury.

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
In a hot minute, yo.

How about the same sex?
In a hot half a minute, yo.

Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
I'm oblivious to the feelings of those around me, but chances are it was Mr. Peaches. I live to torment that poor, sweet bastard.

What is your pet peeve?
Anything mouth related. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) Whistling, popping gum, chewing with an open mouth...it all drives me out of my damned tree.

Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I tend to get really furious with the quickness, but then I get over it with the quickness as well.

Sloth

What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't?
Make the bed. I'm going to get right back in it, so what's the point?

What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Since the Peachlette was born? 7 o'fucking clock.

What is the last lame excuse that you made?
My dog ate my will to live. And I don't even have a dog.

Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Of course...who doesn't ? I love me an informercial. I don't care what it's about, I'm there, and I'd love to pay for it in 2 easy installments of $19.99.


Gluttony

What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
A crappucino from the local gas station.

Are you a meat eater?
Duh. If it once had a heartbeat, it is now on my plate.

What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Is this a trick question? I don't remember the greatest amount of alcohol I've had at once because I was probably passed out at the time and therefore in no condition to remember anything.

Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?
Yes. Sweatpants also make me very comfortable with my drinking and eating habits.

Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?
Salty foods. I'm thinking of installing a salt deer lick in my house to satisfy my cravings.

Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?
What do I look like, Jeffrey Dahmer? Sheesh.

Greed

How many credit cards do you own?
More than 1, less than 100.

If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Buy a new house and install a bacon dispensing machine in every room.

Would you rather be rich or famous?
Rich. I'm already famous in my own mind.

Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?
Without a second thought.

Pride

What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?
Go back to college at my advanced age.

What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?
Menopause.

Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Another trick question. I'm always in possession of much higher skill than all other competitors.

Have you ever cheated to get a better score?
Not that I can recall, but I have been known to be a sneaky bitch at times, so I can't guarantee it.

Lust

How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?
Ummm...I cannot make an accurate estimation of that number.

How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)?
It's my life's goal to flash as many people as possible, so again, I cannot make an accurate estimation of that number.

Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?
Staring, no. A casually interested glance or two, sure.

What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?
Smile...lips and teeth. I don't like no jacked up grill, yo.

Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons?
Does telling someone to go fuck themselves count? Because if it does, I have orgies every day.

Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Yes, by your mother.

Envy

Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
Kelly, just to see that bitch lift a finger.

If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?
The doctor who performs Jack Black's prostate exams.

Have you ever been cheated on?
What the hell does this have to do with envy? I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may force me to go into my past and pimp slap someone.

What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Patience, grasshopper.

What deadly sin:

Do you do the most often?
Wrath.

Do you do the least often?
Envy.

Is your favorite to act on?
It's a tie. Ideally, I'd act on lust first and then indulge in some sloth.