The Funny Papers
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Jump for Joy in June: Part 30
Praise God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff! I officially made a blog effort every day(ish) for one solid month! Celebrate good times, y'all...come on!
Jump for Joy in June: Part 26
Girl's night out, baby! I'm the red faced fool sitting on the bottom right.
Jump for Joy in June: Part 25
I live in the Watermelon Capital of the World, y'all. Yes, I'm living the dream.
Jump for Joy in June: Part 20
I had the pleasure of seeing Coti Collins perform as Reba McEntire and Judy Garland over the weekend. Beyond amazing!
Jump for Joy in June: Part 17
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom talking before bedtime. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "We are becoming men. I think it’s about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." "Good idea," says the 4 year old enthusiastically.
The next morning, the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. He replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’
"I don’t know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!"
The next morning, the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. He replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’
"I don’t know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!"
Jump for Joy in June: Part 13
Dickipedia - A wiki of dicks
Some dick examples:
M. Night Shyamalan (born Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan, August 6, 1970), is a pretty good film director, an okay film writer, an awful film actor, and a dick.
“Night” (a nickname that he dickishly gave to himself) burst on the American film scene with 1999’s The Sixth Sense, a movie with a contemporary supernatural story, set in Philadelphia, driven by a lead character experiencing a loss of faith, and climaxing with a twist ending. He then burst on the dick scene by recycling that exact same formula over and over again until audiences finally caught on years later. Somewhere along the line, he also decided that his convoluted plots don’t have to make sense or hold up to outside logic.
Ann Hart Coulter (born December 8, 1961) is an American conservative pundit, a syndicated columnist, a best-selling author, a frequent television and radio guest, a self-described “polemicist,” and a self-promoting dick. Best known for purveying hate, Coulter revels in the mass loathing she herself inspires, a delight so aberrational as to invite speculation that she may in fact be an alien life form. That, actually, would explain a lot.
Influenza, commonly referred to as the flu, is an infectious disease caused by RNA viruses, a deadly public health risk, and a dick.
The most common symptoms of the disease are chills, fever, sore throat, muscle pains, severe headache, coughing, complaining, whining, sneezing, and small panic attacks in your mom even though she lives in a different state and you're now an adult who is totally capable of taking care of themselves.
While influenza causes the death of hundreds of thousands of people each season, its most notable dick characteristic is that it makes you use up all of your sick days for the whole year, even the ones you were saving to sneak off during March Madness.
Cruelly, the flu targets weak and defenseless individuals, such as the elderly, helping to cement its villainous dick reputation. Many of influenza's sinister qualities, however, are slightly lessened when one considers that this global nightmare can be defeated merely by washing your hands and getting enough fluids.
The scientific term "influenza"—like pizza, organized crime, and Long Island—originated in Italy. It is derived from the Italian word "influenza," which means: "to drink a lot of ginger ale."
Some dick examples:
M. Night Shyamalan (born Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan, August 6, 1970), is a pretty good film director, an okay film writer, an awful film actor, and a dick.
“Night” (a nickname that he dickishly gave to himself) burst on the American film scene with 1999’s The Sixth Sense, a movie with a contemporary supernatural story, set in Philadelphia, driven by a lead character experiencing a loss of faith, and climaxing with a twist ending. He then burst on the dick scene by recycling that exact same formula over and over again until audiences finally caught on years later. Somewhere along the line, he also decided that his convoluted plots don’t have to make sense or hold up to outside logic.
Ann Hart Coulter (born December 8, 1961) is an American conservative pundit, a syndicated columnist, a best-selling author, a frequent television and radio guest, a self-described “polemicist,” and a self-promoting dick. Best known for purveying hate, Coulter revels in the mass loathing she herself inspires, a delight so aberrational as to invite speculation that she may in fact be an alien life form. That, actually, would explain a lot.
Influenza, commonly referred to as the flu, is an infectious disease caused by RNA viruses, a deadly public health risk, and a dick.
The most common symptoms of the disease are chills, fever, sore throat, muscle pains, severe headache, coughing, complaining, whining, sneezing, and small panic attacks in your mom even though she lives in a different state and you're now an adult who is totally capable of taking care of themselves.
While influenza causes the death of hundreds of thousands of people each season, its most notable dick characteristic is that it makes you use up all of your sick days for the whole year, even the ones you were saving to sneak off during March Madness.
Cruelly, the flu targets weak and defenseless individuals, such as the elderly, helping to cement its villainous dick reputation. Many of influenza's sinister qualities, however, are slightly lessened when one considers that this global nightmare can be defeated merely by washing your hands and getting enough fluids.
The scientific term "influenza"—like pizza, organized crime, and Long Island—originated in Italy. It is derived from the Italian word "influenza," which means: "to drink a lot of ginger ale."
Jump for Joy in June: Part 6
Happy birthday to my darling Paul Giamatti. Dear Lord, do I love this man.
Jump for Joy in June: Part 2
When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
My favorite quote:
"A bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer let an erection."
Jump for Joy in June: Part 1
I place so much pressure on myself to blog on the regular that I inevitably let the stress of coming up with grammatically correct amusing anecdotes take over and I stop blogging altogether. Thusly, I've decided to take another approach. I'm simply going to share with you, my invisible internet friends, one thing a day that makes me happy. Enjoy!
A trifecta of joy - Chris Daughtry and Kelly Clarkson singing Tracy Chapman. Wrap that shit up in bacon and I'd marry it.
A trifecta of joy - Chris Daughtry and Kelly Clarkson singing Tracy Chapman. Wrap that shit up in bacon and I'd marry it.
March Madness Parts 14- 31
So what have I been doing whilst ignoring my massive fan base for the past few weeks?
1] Had a birthday. Suck my wrinkled old ass, Father Time.
2] Turned in my application for fall graduation. This means that in December, at the tender age of 41, I will finally have my BBA in Management. 23 years for a 4 year degree...cripes.
3] I was eating chips yesterday and one fell down my shirt. I plucked it out of my bra and kept on eating. So there's that.
Look out April! Here I come!
1] Had a birthday. Suck my wrinkled old ass, Father Time.
2] Turned in my application for fall graduation. This means that in December, at the tender age of 41, I will finally have my BBA in Management. 23 years for a 4 year degree...cripes.
3] I was eating chips yesterday and one fell down my shirt. I plucked it out of my bra and kept on eating. So there's that.
Look out April! Here I come!
March Madness Part 8 - 13
Well, I suck ass, don't I? In my pitiful defense, I've been on spring break from my book learnin', so I haven't been on the computer as much as I normally am. So give me a friggin' break, would ya? Here are some "neener kittehs"...enjoy!
March Madness Part 6
I have been cursed with terribly dry skin which gets worse in the colder months. Mr. Peaches was kind enough to call me "Ashy Kari" today as an homage to the hilariously funny Dave Chappelle skit about the World Series of Dice. It still makes me laugh just as hard now as it did when it first came out.
Konichiwa, bitches.
World series of Dice
Konichiwa, bitches.
World series of Dice
March Madness Part 4
We took Ally to her very first soccer practice today. She had such a blast. I was so proud that she didn't trip over her feet and fall on her precious little ass. Apparently the clumsy gene skips a generation. I feel bad for my future grandkids. Here's the little snaggle tooth doing her best Captain Morgan pose.
As I was basking in the glow of watching the fruit of my loins have the time of her life running up and down the field, it occurred to me that I am now a soccer mom. Cripes. On the plus side, it will give me a legitimate reason to wear this spectacular t shirt.
As I was basking in the glow of watching the fruit of my loins have the time of her life running up and down the field, it occurred to me that I am now a soccer mom. Cripes. On the plus side, it will give me a legitimate reason to wear this spectacular t shirt.
March Madness Part 3
We had a student driven campus clean up today at work called "Green Day". I was so proud of everyone who participated. They were so into it that I damned near got a bit teary eyed from their enthusiasm. The whole environmentally conscious thing reminded me of this bit of hilarity featuring none other than the inventor of the interwebz, Al Gore.
March Madness Part 2
Tuesday is RuPaul day in the Peach household. I am completely obsessed with RuPaul's Drag Race. I mean, we've got gorgeous drag queens, fabulous costumes, hilarious challenges, my gay boyfriend Santino from Project Runway fame, and of course, the hostess with the mostest herself.
Oh, to be such an Amazonian goddess.
My favorite queen this season is Pandora Boxx, who is portraying Carol Channing in this "Snatch Game" challenge. Raspberries!
Speaking of obsessed, here is my official drag queen makeover, courtesy of The Dragulator. I put the fierce in fierce bitch, n'est ce pas?
Speaking of obsessed, here is my official drag queen makeover, courtesy of The Dragulator. I put the fierce in fierce bitch, n'est ce pas?
March Madness Part 1
I've been ridonkulously busy and all up in my own biznass, thus the lack of bloggage. I've felt guilty and lazy about it so I've decided to post something every day for the month of March.
Of course, now that I've made this epic announcement to my grazillions of adoring readers, I have nothing interesting to say. So please go read Conan O'Brien's new Twitter account. He's much more entertaining than I am. Plus, his beard is much more attractive than mine.
Of course, now that I've made this epic announcement to my grazillions of adoring readers, I have nothing interesting to say. So please go read Conan O'Brien's new Twitter account. He's much more entertaining than I am. Plus, his beard is much more attractive than mine.
Girl's Day Out
Hello, my thousands of readers. Happy New Year and such. I've been busier than a whore on nickel night, but I swear I've missed you all.
Today my sweet little Peachlette and I had a girl's day culminating in a mani/pedi. It was her first and she was so freaking adorable about the whole process. I'm such a dork I took pictures.
Precious, n'est ce pas? Never in a million years did I think I'd have a girly girl and do girly girl things like getting mani/pedis. Yet somehow it feels exactly right.
I wish I had some other fascinating news, but that's about it. Live long and prosper, y'all.
Today my sweet little Peachlette and I had a girl's day culminating in a mani/pedi. It was her first and she was so freaking adorable about the whole process. I'm such a dork I took pictures.
Precious, n'est ce pas? Never in a million years did I think I'd have a girly girl and do girly girl things like getting mani/pedis. Yet somehow it feels exactly right.
I wish I had some other fascinating news, but that's about it. Live long and prosper, y'all.
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