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Not for Nothing November - Part 6
I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'd sleep but I'm too goddamned tired. The Sandman can kiss my exhausted non-sleeping ass crack. Here's some sleepy stuff for you.
Lily von Schtupp singing my theme song:
Not for Nothing November - Part 5
God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff had best let me have my goddamned bacon and light bread for breakfast before he calls me home or else I am gonna be one cranky beeyotch. Don't make me throw some 'bows up in heaven.
Not for Nothing November - Part 4
On the advice of someone near and dear to my heart, I've started watching "The Big Bang Theory". I must say that it is rocking my nerdly world. I dig me a dork. Enjoy!
Not for Nothing November - Part 3
I sing.
I sing whenever the mood strikes me, at the top of my lungs, making the ears of those around me bleed. I know I suck, but I still want to be heard, damn it.
I have been known to pick up any object around me and sing into it like I am on stage at the Apollo. It doesn't matter what it is, although I have an affinity for singing into beer bottles. A quick glance at the pictures of me posted by friends on Facebook confirms my madness.
Criminy, I don't know if those pictures make me proud or embarrassed.
Anyhoo, I am laying the groundwork so I can tell you that my all time favorite sing-into-my-beer-bottle song is "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad", featuring the vocal stylings of Mr. Marvin Aday, aka Meat Loaf.
Songs just don't get better than this, people. It is so achingly sad that you can almost hear Meat's voice start to break from the sheer emotional power of it all. I just cannot resist its melancholy cheesetasticness.
A year or two ago, after listening to me belt out the song for probably the thousandth time, my dear friend Kelly informed me that she'd never really paid attention to the lyrics. After the shock wore off and I was brought back to consciousness with smelling salts, I proceeded to perform the first of many heartfelt renditions of "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".
This dramatization came to be known as "The Spoken Loaf".
I start out quietly, allowing the story of the two lovers unfold. I speak into whatever is closest to me, clutching my hand to heart. I throw in the occasional cuss word or three for emphasis, such as "there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, mother fucker". I really come into my own right after the drum break following the classic line, "But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box." I go from speaking to singing, letting all the hurt and despair flow from my body with broken notes and wild gesticulations. I end the spectacle on a gentle note, with my voice cracking and the back of my hand on my forehead, whispering, "Baby we can talk all night, but that ain't getting us nowhere."
I'm too distraught to go on. Enjoy the Loaf, y'all.
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't gettin us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do
Is keep on telling you
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Cause)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find no gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coup de Ville
Hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Don't)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I sing whenever the mood strikes me, at the top of my lungs, making the ears of those around me bleed. I know I suck, but I still want to be heard, damn it.
I have been known to pick up any object around me and sing into it like I am on stage at the Apollo. It doesn't matter what it is, although I have an affinity for singing into beer bottles. A quick glance at the pictures of me posted by friends on Facebook confirms my madness.
Criminy, I don't know if those pictures make me proud or embarrassed.
Anyhoo, I am laying the groundwork so I can tell you that my all time favorite sing-into-my-beer-bottle song is "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad", featuring the vocal stylings of Mr. Marvin Aday, aka Meat Loaf.
Songs just don't get better than this, people. It is so achingly sad that you can almost hear Meat's voice start to break from the sheer emotional power of it all. I just cannot resist its melancholy cheesetasticness.
A year or two ago, after listening to me belt out the song for probably the thousandth time, my dear friend Kelly informed me that she'd never really paid attention to the lyrics. After the shock wore off and I was brought back to consciousness with smelling salts, I proceeded to perform the first of many heartfelt renditions of "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad".
This dramatization came to be known as "The Spoken Loaf".
I start out quietly, allowing the story of the two lovers unfold. I speak into whatever is closest to me, clutching my hand to heart. I throw in the occasional cuss word or three for emphasis, such as "there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, mother fucker". I really come into my own right after the drum break following the classic line, "But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box." I go from speaking to singing, letting all the hurt and despair flow from my body with broken notes and wild gesticulations. I end the spectacle on a gentle note, with my voice cracking and the back of my hand on my forehead, whispering, "Baby we can talk all night, but that ain't getting us nowhere."
I'm too distraught to go on. Enjoy the Loaf, y'all.
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't gettin us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do
Is keep on telling you
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Cause)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find no gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coup de Ville
Hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Don't)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
Not for Nothing November - Part 2
It's Monday, so why wouldn't I be a cranky, hateful bitch? I was trying to get my stank ass attitude on earlier when my besainted husband told me my favorite corny joke to cheer me up. And I'll be damned if it didn't work because now I am full of sunshine and light once again.
In keeping with that spirit, here are some "walks into a bar" jokes. I'll start out with the one that made me BOLLADS (bark out loud like a dying seal) earlier.
______________________________________________________
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper asks, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
______________________________________________________
Three strings walk into a bar and find a table. The first string offers to get their drinks. He goes to the bar and asks for three beers. The bartender says, "I'm sorry buddy, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what happened.
"That's ridiculous," says the second string. "I'll get us something to drink." He goes to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in this bar." The second string sadly walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.
The third string says, "Screw this. I know how to get us something to drink." He goes to the restroom where he ties himself up and ruffles up his ends. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says, "Look buddy, I know your friends told you that we don't serve strings in this bar. You're a string, aren't you?"
To which the third string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
______________________________________________________
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. He looks around and asks the bartender, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender says, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replies.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asks.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."
______________________________________________________
Of course I must mention the ultimate "walks into a bar joke" with no punchline from The Breakfast Club:
A naked blonde walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...
______________________________________________________
Only 28 blogs to go...God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff help us all.
In keeping with that spirit, here are some "walks into a bar" jokes. I'll start out with the one that made me BOLLADS (bark out loud like a dying seal) earlier.
______________________________________________________
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper asks, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
______________________________________________________
Three strings walk into a bar and find a table. The first string offers to get their drinks. He goes to the bar and asks for three beers. The bartender says, "I'm sorry buddy, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what happened.
"That's ridiculous," says the second string. "I'll get us something to drink." He goes to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in this bar." The second string sadly walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.
The third string says, "Screw this. I know how to get us something to drink." He goes to the restroom where he ties himself up and ruffles up his ends. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says, "Look buddy, I know your friends told you that we don't serve strings in this bar. You're a string, aren't you?"
To which the third string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
______________________________________________________
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. He looks around and asks the bartender, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender says, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replies.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asks.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."
______________________________________________________
Of course I must mention the ultimate "walks into a bar joke" with no punchline from The Breakfast Club:
A naked blonde walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...
______________________________________________________
Only 28 blogs to go...God/Allah/Yaweh/Hasselhoff help us all.
Not for Nothing November - Part 1
I am such a damned slacker that I only blogged once in the entire month of October. Not that I have anything to say or anyone to say it to, but it still sucks. I was determined to blog all the time and now it has fallen by the wayside along with crocheting and learning Pig Latin. Uck-fay ou-yay if you don't like it.
My heterosexual life partner Shannon is constantly tweaking her blog to reflect her fabulousity. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She has inspired me to make a meaningless pact with myself to blog daily for the entire month of November. Lucky I came up with this on the first of the month, eh? When the hell did I become Canadian?
Anyhoo, I vow to post something new every day for the next 30 days. It may be as little as a picture or video that has amused me or a rambling 3,000 word dissertation on my love of bacon. Bibbity bobbity bacon!
So strap in (or strap one on, depending on your particular proclivity) and get ready for a month of banal self-indulgence, people.
Since Shannon is the one who inspired me, this first one is dedicated to her. Go visit her at Headphones Monkey and say hi. She will school you in the ways of music, monkeys and all things spectacular. I shall profess my love for her in the form of a visual homage.
My heterosexual life partner Shannon is constantly tweaking her blog to reflect her fabulousity. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She has inspired me to make a meaningless pact with myself to blog daily for the entire month of November. Lucky I came up with this on the first of the month, eh? When the hell did I become Canadian?
Anyhoo, I vow to post something new every day for the next 30 days. It may be as little as a picture or video that has amused me or a rambling 3,000 word dissertation on my love of bacon. Bibbity bobbity bacon!
So strap in (or strap one on, depending on your particular proclivity) and get ready for a month of banal self-indulgence, people.
Since Shannon is the one who inspired me, this first one is dedicated to her. Go visit her at Headphones Monkey and say hi. She will school you in the ways of music, monkeys and all things spectacular. I shall profess my love for her in the form of a visual homage.
Rocking You Like a Hurricane
Thank you Robin for the award!
The rules are as follows:
Answer the survey below...you can only use one word answers!
Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
Alert them that you have given them this award.
Have fun!
Where is your cell phone? - bra
Your hair? - ponytail
Your mother? - living
Your father? - idunno
Your favorite food? - bacon
Your dream last night? - heatwave
Your favorite drink? - Pepsi
Your dream/goal? - rich
What room are you in? - bedroom
Your hobby? - TV
Your fear? - loss
Where do you want to be in six years? - here
Where were you last night? - home
Something that you aren't? - patient
Muffins? - banananut
Wish list item? - kindle
Where did you grow up? - Connecticut
Last thing you did? - scratched
What are you wearing? - pelt
Your TV? - Sony
Your pets? - none (sob)
Friends? - wonderful
Your life? - wonderful
Your mood? - happy
Missing someone? - yes
Vehicle? - Sable
Something you're not wearing? - loincloth
Your favorite store? - Booksamillion
Your favorite color? - green
When was the last time you laughed? - earlier
Last time you cried? - Thursday
One place that I go to over and over? - work
One person who emails regularly? - Tara
Favorite place to eat? - Mikata's
I'm going to pass this to:
Shannon
Sonja
Samsmama
Bev
Mala
The Peach Tart
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